Creepy, eight legged, million eyed, hairy suckers. Yes. Spiders.
As a slight precursor to this entry, I must state that there might...nay...there WILL be a bit of cussing, as spiders themselves bring out the worst in me.
Here is where genetics and stereotypes have gone horribly wrong. Girls are expected to freak out over spiders and scream and run away. I am handed a shoe (or sometimes less) and told to "KILL IT!"
Because I am a boy. Boys were put on the Earth for ONE PURPOSE and that ONE PURPOSE is to KILLLLLL THEEE SPIIIIDERRRR *EEEEEEE*
I've had it up to my eyeballs with this notion because I will lay my masculinity on the line here and throw this out.
I...HATE...SPIDERS! They freak me out, man!!!
I used to not care, at all. Hell, I'd kill a spider. I'd scoop one up in a cup and set it free. I once walked down the block to my friend's house as she flipped out over the phone, because she had gone outside and when she turned around there was a tarantula between her and her door. I went up, stepped over the tarantula, went inside and got a shoe box, captured the critter, and took him home.
Whatever, man...it's a bug.
Until one night, in a room full of girls, I just had to ask, "Seriously, what IS it about spiders that TERRIFY you?"
And thus got my brain scrambled and forever changed
"they have millions of eyes!"
"8 legs!"
"You NEVER see them coming!"
"They're fast! You can't catch them!"
"You go to smash them and they run off!"
"They blend in with the carpet!!"
"They hide in the door frames!"
"They build webs under your bed!"
"They're EVERYWHERE and you NEVER see them!"
"Some are as big as your head!"
What?
"YOUR HEAD!! There are HUGE spiders! The size of DISH PLATES!"
Dish plates? Nu uh.
They then proceeded to start Googling the most ferocious spiders in the WORLD and show them to me, along with videos, and photos of spider bites.
You know when someone starts talking about their kids getting head lice, and it starts the whole "Oh I've been there" conversation, and you're giving advice and suddenly your hair is just CRAWLING?
Yeah, suddenly I felt the stab of a trillion beady little eyes from every surface in the room. It was the spiders, they were coming for me.
For the longest, I would tell people "It's just the small ones that scare me. Those little clear or clear green ones. Tiny ones you can't see coming. If one is going to come right out in front of me, I want to SEE it."
Fatal Mistake.
It should be noted I'm still cool with tarantulas. I have one that has been digging a hole under my trashcan outside now for AAAGEEESS. Whatever, hairy critter, dig a hole.
One fatal night, I was at my computer, and MoonGoddess sat beside me on hers. Our desks were side by side (sort of like a computer lab, but no Oregon Trail :( )
Now, I have no clue as to why one entire wall in the bedroom has a GIANT mirror over it, really...one ENTIRE wall is just a mirror. As we originally moved in and went to put the bed in, there was a moment of "Uhm...where do we put it?" And ended up cramming our desks in front of this mirror/wall so it was covered.
Fatal Mistake #2.
I'm chatting away with MoonGoddess and playing...I believe it was stick war. And you just get ENGROSSED in that game. But I noticed something move, not RIGHT in front of me, but in front of me.
And then I looked up. Behind my desk, crawling up the wall, was THE BIGGEST FUCKING SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!
Turns out, it was a "Southern House Spider"
YEEEHEEAAAHHH You see that???? Come back, come back, it's just a picture...but this thing was in FRONT of me ON THE MIRROR so it was like TWO of them!
"Screamed" Does not cover what came out of my mouth. I catapulted myself backwards in my chair, pointing and simply squealing "SPI-SPI-SPI-FUCKING HUUUUUUUUGGEEE!!!! SPI-SPI-SPI!!!!" MoonGoddess stared at me, saying "What? What is it?" She then turned to see the monstrosity, and was more eloquent in her "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" and she bolted from her computer desk and into the hallway.
I followed to run and was stopped in the doorway. There she stood in the hallway, holding a broom, and was poking me back into the room with it "No...NO NO....NO! Kill it!!!"
"LET ME OUT!"
"NO YOU KILL IT!!!"
"NO IT'S HUGE!!"
"IT CAN'T STAY IN THERE!"
"OH YES IT CAN! WE CAN MOVE!!!"
I tried in vain a few more times to escape the room, but she was QUICK with that broom. She took off her shoe and tossed it to me "KILL IT!"
"WHY ME!?"
"BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BOY! BOYS KILL SPIDERS!"
I finally gathered enough courage and turned to face the monster.
FUCKER WAS GONE!!!
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH LET ME OUT LET ME OUT HE'S GONE HE'S GONE LET ME OUT!!!!"
This did not work. Neither did the tears, the relentless begging, and promises of aANYTHING she wanted.
By the way, saying "I'll do ANYTHING you WANT" Will backfire, as they will answer "I want you to kill the spider!"
Then started my search. With shoe held high, I ducked under her desk and started lifting things. I was completely gun-shy. ANYTHING that moved, I was pedaling backwards screaming. I didn't care anymore, there was NO shame left in me. So much NONshame that I had NO Shame going to the door every few minutes crying, and begging to be let out.
Crying...does not work...on girls. Make a note of that.
Finally, I looked down the wall between the desks and THERE HE WAS and he RAN at me! It was THEN I realized as I lifted the shoe, this SHOE was not going to do SHIT to this spider!
I hurled it at him as a means of distraction and catapulted myself out of the room, climbing over the broom and screaming past MoonGoddess "I'm so sorry!! I can't do it!! I'm so so so so sorry!"
I slowly crept back down the hall and hid behind her, and peered over her shoulder...ohhhh there he came. And like a NINJA she lifted that broom and smacked the HELL out of that spider.
BUT HE WASN'T DEAD! She had to literally lay the smack down on that spider TEN TIMES before he was finally disabled. NOT DEAD, disabled. Still trying to run, but not able to. MoonGoddess breezed by me, went in the kitchen and came back, and shoved the broom and a dustpan in my hand and said quite angrily, "YOU get to flush him." And left.
I'm not going to lie, I cried sweeping him up too. I was so afraid he was going to reanimate into super zombie spider and go straight for my jugular vein.
MoonGoddess got comfy in her computer again and so did I, and not another word was spoken about the spider. I kept nervously looking around because I was shell shocked.
Nothing was said until right as we were going to sleep she said "Jeeze, there's probably hundreds more like him all around this stupid house. How did he even get in? How did we not see him before then? It's so dark in here too, what if we never saw him and then went to sleep? Man, that'd be scary as hell!"
She then promptly fell asleep.
DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!!
Ugh, now I keep feeling like spider webs are descending on me. His brothers and kinfolk are out there...I know it. And they've been plotting revenge ever since...I KNOW IT!!
Scary ass spiders, man....
2 comments:
PollyChrissyPants will come save you from the big horrible Spider. She will protect you. She'll even check under your bed and in your closet to make sure nothing scary lurks there, too.
PollyChrissyPants lives a whole state away, I will have been eaten and dead by the time you arrive :(
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