Death by Wasabi

There comes a time in every person's life, when they strike out to try something new. They hear of a French/Asian fusion recipe, and while usually they're not really down with Asian, they'll try it and go "Oh wow, this is fabulous. I am just chuffed to bits that I decided to try this."

Because everyone will randomly throw in a British phrase whilst trying new food.

There have been many things that I have tried over the course of several years that I would have never have thought of trying. Some of them I loved, some...not so much

(NEVER believe the vegetarian who hands you a handful of alfalfa sprouts and tells you they are delicious. You will die. You will die a thousand, grassy tasting deaths in your soul, and you will never forgive yourself. Especially when they look at you with pleading sympathy and say "I meant on a sandwich." For the record, MoonGoddess, we need to complete our sentences before handing the carnivore a handful of grass *blech*)

Way back before Teffy became an Otaku (of Xena, no less, *makes little circular symbol with hands and whispers* "praise be to Xena, might warrior princess, who leadeth us into battle and to Queen Gabrielle of the Amazons for leading us to the light of greater good and dignity, through love and peace. Give us the power to survive in a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings. Forge us through the heat of battle so that we may become a mighty warrior. In Callisto's name we pray, KIIIIAAAYYIIIIII )

*ahem*

Now, way back when I was a much younger Tefflet, I got the distinct...well, haha, pleasure actually...of watching a friend accidentally ingest Wasabi. Her father loved spicy stuff, she...did not. And one day whilst in the throws of gettin' out some leftovers, she grabbed a bag of chips and a Styrofoam container of what she thought was Guacamole. While in fact, it was not. It was an identical Styrofoam container that was filled halfway with Wasabi that her father had brought home with his Chinese food leftovers.

And I watched as she dipped a glopping chip into it, and took an ASTOUNDINGLY large bite of it.

Screaming...is an understatement.

Now, MoonGoddes and I, got all sucked into cute Japanese culture via their brainwashing and adorable Bento Boxes.



FOR THE LOVE OF XENA!! LOOK AT IT!! Tell me you don't want to eat that!! So we came to a (very rushed, un-thought-out) decision:

We're going to buy rice...loooots of it. And we're going to make rice balls, and rice patties, and sushi (erm, veggie sushi) and rice rice rice and get good with this and make cute BENTO BOXES!

We get this (realistically 5lb) 500lb bag of rice home and realize "Holy Crap, how the hell do you make rice balls?"

Thank you, Google

Maaan we had it down, made some little veggie rice balls. I got confident enough that I finally said I wanted to make a little lunch of rice balls and take them to work with me.

You cannot fathom the amount of times I have sat here giggling and going "*teehee*...balls" One day, when I grow up...I hope to be an adult. But face it, that's a lot less fun.

I began reading various ways to prepare these little rice balls with meats and seafoods and kept seeing one thing strongly suggested: Wasabi. The wasabi would keep the food...I guess non-killer to you for some indescript reason.

(I also find it fascinating, that at almost 1AM I couldn't think of the word "food poisoning" but fired off "indescript" without hesitation...)

Off we went and grabbed Wasabi.

"You like horseradish, right?" MoonGoddess inquired as we entered the kitchen
"No, ew, why?"
"I guess this is kind of like that, you try it first."
"No, ew! You like it right?"
"Doesn't matter, I'm a vegetarian, I neither need or want wasabi in my rice balls"
"hhehehhe"
"I swear to god if you don't stop laughing every time we say balls..."

Now, here is where my fatal flaw came into play.

It's called my ego.
Ego, I now know = VERY BAD

I had a flash back to my friend screaming and flailing and eating the chip loaded with "guacamole".

Yet my head went "yeah but she survived!"
Give me a huge BLOB of it, right there on my finger!!

MoonGoddess gave me a look that was a mixture of "you have GOT to be shitting me" with "This further proves the crazy theory I've had all along".

But it was quickly replaced with a huge grin, "Okay" she said and squeezed a blob out onto my finger.

"you want some water or something, Teff?"
"Nah I got this"
"I mean, I'm serious, I'll get you some water...or milk, or....something..."
"Nah...I'm a champion. Wasabi won't do jack to me"

Smugness creeped across her face, "Go on now, then...take a big bite."

I stared it down like a Japanese foe. Unfortunately (and waha!) it was like Xena staring down her Japanese foe...and you all know what happened there.

If you don't, you are dead to me.

Because in my head, I'm still going "LIKE GUACAMOLE!" And shoved my finger, with this killer sized blob of wasabi right into my mouth.

I cannot describe the sheer level of hell that tore through my taste buds and assaulted my neurological system at that time. I imagine, that if food could metaphorically shoot you in the head, the wasabi did just that.

Not wanting to repeat the sheer level of screaming and agony I witnessed my friend go through, I simply let out a extremely defeated and whimpery "MmmMmmruummphhh" and closed my eyes. I opened them and peered through watery defeat to a Cheshire grin from the MoonGoddess, who then promptly fell into fits of uproarious laughter, "YOUR FACE!! OH MY GOD YOUR FACE!!!"
"mmmahhaahuuhh feeaacee? *whimper* *twitch*"
"It's RED!"

I knew I had to swallow the stuff. KNEW I had to! There was a trashcan just FEET away from me, but THAT was DEFEAT!!

I felt my face go through so many alien and foreign facial expressions of torture, which are apparently hilarious, as the MoonGoddess literally almost died laughing.

And finally swallowed the nasty blob of DOOM and gasped for air, and looked around for something to douse the fires from the BOWELS OF HELL in my mouth.

"oh god!" I exclaimed at the nothing that was in my immediate vicinity
"What'cha lookin for, Teff?" MoonGoddess grinned, "Do you need some water?"
"Hell no! I'm...*HACK* good!"

And as a person of pure integrity, she had already gotten me a glass of water and handed it over to me.

She then said "Next time you eat it, I have to film it"

Oh, WAIT a SECOND here!! I did not sign a contract for Wasabi face down of DOOM!

It should be noted that I did try it yet again and it was filmed, and I will say, I was not aware a human could turn that red.

So, yeah, Wasabi...it's really not bad if you put like, a silky thin layer of it on about 57 million pounds of rice. Really good stuff.

Wow, I think I taste it. That's some deep psychological scarring right there.

Bleh...