Cobblestone: A Tale

I used to work at Taco Bell before becoming associated with the hell that is Wal-Mart. I wouldn't say either job is worse than the other.

I'm lying. I will go out on a limb here and say Taco Bell was worse, not for the fact that I got shitty pay and over worked, burritos thrown at me, screamed at, threatened and so forth and at a whopping manager's pay of $5.75 an hour (Back in the glory days of 2007). No no, it was because at this establishment of woe, I was to encounter the one thing that destroyed my love of books, probably for the rest of all eternity.

See, we all got bored quickly, and one person started discussing books one day. Amongst the discussions they discovered they all liked similar books, and started a "Book Trade".

I have to say "Book Trade" quite loosely. This was not Oprah's book club here, no sir. These puppies were brought from home and tossed into a empty Mild Sauce packet box and employees would pick through it, take one home, come back, rinse, lather, repeat.

MoonGoddess on several occasions brought a book home with her and would read it. I never fell into the rhythm of getting books out or getting involved with this "Book Trade".

I kept hearing one particular title over and over again. It was being whispered amongst the others, as if a Dead Sea Scroll had magically appeared into our box of books a la Mild Sauce miracles or something.

I inquired to the MoonGoddess if she had chance to procure this mystical scroll and read it, and was met with a "No, not yet."

This was it. It was mine.

I climbed the dangerous path to Mordor (read: Soda Shelf), and claimed the mystical scroll that had been whispered amongst my colleagues of burrito making badassery. The mystical light that glowed from it was glorious...that...or I was having a stroke from too many soft tacos, sadly it could have been both.

Oh, baby Buddah, why won't 3AM come fast enough??

Like a JET I bolted from the store, MoonGoddess in tow, and we went home that night. I was beyond excited to read this magical scroll of epicness.

We're talking Gabrielle's blue scrolls of Xena epicness I had expected.

I made it 25 pages in, and stopped. MoonGoddess inquired, "Is it good?" I sat in utter shock, staring at the pages. I...I couldn't go on.
"Bad?"
"..."
"Really bad?"
"...She just spent 7 pages describing cobblestones in a path."

Ruined...for life. It was one of those things you just don't notice at first. Hell, I was slightly amused by it at first, "Wow, she sure is descriptive about these cobblestones." By page 3 though, I had this moment of stupor. Realizing there were still 200+ pages left, and had a slight (although profoundly awful) moment of severe anxiety, that they were all about the cobblestones.

I understand adjective use. I do. I don't understand, over explaining A DAMN ROCK to the point that I had a slight 'rock genocide' moment in my head. That's not cool, man.

I haven't read a book since. I'm terrified. Last night, whilst speaking of this utter life destroying experience with The Polite Horse (Friendships and therapy, man...) I decided that I will outdo, that awful experience, by explaining the cobblestones...BETTER than she ever could have imagined.

It should also be noted, this was a Fantasy Novel. I find these especially hard to read. I get it, you're not on this planet, or this realm. Why is your main character named Ruvushaviknaknicknack? Why is a doublagarded dwelling earth monger not just called a FRICKEN TROLL!? Because, that's what I do "Ok, doublagarded dwelling earth monger = troll"
Deer? Mystical Wooded Feighnhorns or something equally ridiculous. DEER!!! DEEEER! Hell, throw it some flair "Woodland Elk" or something.

Ruvushaviknaknicknack slowly came upon the mystical town of Durouthmonthshirevilleston, heavy dread in his heart. How would he tell his father Lord Mortgath that his brother was dead?

With a deep breath, he stepped onto the town's cobblestone path to start the long journey to the castle.

The cobblestone path of familiarity. Each cobblestone, hand picked from the mountains and streams centuries ago, by the fathers and grandfathers of Durouthmonthshirevilleston. Smooth, polished from nature, each one with a story to tell.

Did this cobblestone come from a stream? Was it nuzzled by the wet nose of the Mystical Wooded Feighnhorns, looking for a small glimmer of algae, holding sustenance through the harsh winter?

Each cobblestone, different from the last, yet all similar. Taken from the nature of the land around them and placed permanently into a path of rigidness...away from the bosom of mother nature, which held it and gave it life. Away from the depths of the earth that brought it forth, a jagged rock and smoothed by the rushing and angry river's flow, slowly, surely, eventually, and other 'ly's to promote a very long time.

Each time a foot was placed upon the cobblestones, a lifetime of memories would resonate throughout them. Your grandfather, and his father, and his father before him, have placed their foots upon this cobblestone. At the moment, all with a purpose and a story, a life ahead of them, a mission in the moment...all placed upon this one, meek, insignificant cobblestone.

And this was just the first cobble stone. For there were exactly 450,942 cobblestones within this path from the Magical woods which housed the violent Doublagarded Dwelling Earth Mongers to the Castle of Pristine Awesomeness.

Ruvushaviknaknicknack took another step. Ah yes, this cobblestone. Where did this cobblestone come from? From perhaps the side of a waterfall and into the raging rivers of time...


You know what? I was going to be a total asshat and continue on for at least 20,000 more characters. But I started having flashbacks, couldn't breathe, sweating, nausea...I think that might be diarrhea working it's way about now...

Let me explain the extent of destroying my fragile brain this has caused. Two summers back, MoonGoddess and I took Gavinator and DillBear swimming at this place called Cool Pool. Middle of nowhere, big ole swimming hole in the woods with a rock dam built up to hold the water in.

I'm splashing around and get out, and Gavinator runs up to me and goes "LOOK! I found a round rock! It's really SOFT!"

I felt my face twitch, and heard "The cobblestones were so neatly and perfectly placed in rows on the path leading to the buildings..."

I told him to THROW IT BACK NOW! WE ARE NOT TAKING THAT ROCK WITH US!

I'm scared now...Somebody...Hold me.




....Not you....

You're ok though...


Oh no, not you either...

Never mind...