Spiders are fucking scary, OK?

Creepy, eight legged, million eyed, hairy suckers. Yes. Spiders.

As a slight precursor to this entry, I must state that there might...nay...there WILL be a bit of cussing, as spiders themselves bring out the worst in me.

Here is where genetics and stereotypes have gone horribly wrong. Girls are expected to freak out over spiders and scream and run away. I am handed a shoe (or sometimes less) and told to "KILL IT!"

Because I am a boy. Boys were put on the Earth for ONE PURPOSE and that ONE PURPOSE is to KILLLLLL THEEE SPIIIIDERRRR *EEEEEEE*

I've had it up to my eyeballs with this notion because I will lay my masculinity on the line here and throw this out.

I...HATE...SPIDERS! They freak me out, man!!!

I used to not care, at all. Hell, I'd kill a spider. I'd scoop one up in a cup and set it free. I once walked down the block to my friend's house as she flipped out over the phone, because she had gone outside and when she turned around there was a tarantula between her and her door. I went up, stepped over the tarantula, went inside and got a shoe box, captured the critter, and took him home.

Whatever, man...it's a bug.

Until one night, in a room full of girls, I just had to ask, "Seriously, what IS it about spiders that TERRIFY you?"

And thus got my brain scrambled and forever changed

"they have millions of eyes!"
"8 legs!"
"You NEVER see them coming!"
"They're fast! You can't catch them!"
"You go to smash them and they run off!"
"They blend in with the carpet!!"
"They hide in the door frames!"
"They build webs under your bed!"
"They're EVERYWHERE and you NEVER see them!"
"Some are as big as your head!"
What?
"YOUR HEAD!! There are HUGE spiders! The size of DISH PLATES!"
Dish plates? Nu uh.

They then proceeded to start Googling the most ferocious spiders in the WORLD and show them to me, along with videos, and photos of spider bites.

You know when someone starts talking about their kids getting head lice, and it starts the whole "Oh I've been there" conversation, and you're giving advice and suddenly your hair is just CRAWLING?

Yeah, suddenly I felt the stab of a trillion beady little eyes from every surface in the room. It was the spiders, they were coming for me.

For the longest, I would tell people "It's just the small ones that scare me. Those little clear or clear green ones. Tiny ones you can't see coming. If one is going to come right out in front of me, I want to SEE it."

Fatal Mistake.

It should be noted I'm still cool with tarantulas. I have one that has been digging a hole under my trashcan outside now for AAAGEEESS. Whatever, hairy critter, dig a hole.

One fatal night, I was at my computer, and MoonGoddess sat beside me on hers. Our desks were side by side (sort of like a computer lab, but no Oregon Trail :( )

Now, I have no clue as to why one entire wall in the bedroom has a GIANT mirror over it, really...one ENTIRE wall is just a mirror. As we originally moved in and went to put the bed in, there was a moment of "Uhm...where do we put it?" And ended up cramming our desks in front of this mirror/wall so it was covered.

Fatal Mistake #2.

I'm chatting away with MoonGoddess and playing...I believe it was stick war. And you just get ENGROSSED in that game. But I noticed something move, not RIGHT in front of me, but in front of me.

And then I looked up. Behind my desk, crawling up the wall, was THE BIGGEST FUCKING SPIDER I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!

Turns out, it was a "Southern House Spider"




YEEEHEEAAAHHH You see that???? Come back, come back, it's just a picture...but this thing was in FRONT of me ON THE MIRROR so it was like TWO of them!

"Screamed" Does not cover what came out of my mouth. I catapulted myself backwards in my chair, pointing and simply squealing "SPI-SPI-SPI-FUCKING HUUUUUUUUGGEEE!!!! SPI-SPI-SPI!!!!" MoonGoddess stared at me, saying "What? What is it?" She then turned to see the monstrosity, and was more eloquent in her "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" and she bolted from her computer desk and into the hallway.

I followed to run and was stopped in the doorway. There she stood in the hallway, holding a broom, and was poking me back into the room with it "No...NO NO....NO! Kill it!!!"
"LET ME OUT!"
"NO YOU KILL IT!!!"
"NO IT'S HUGE!!"
"IT CAN'T STAY IN THERE!"
"OH YES IT CAN! WE CAN MOVE!!!"

I tried in vain a few more times to escape the room, but she was QUICK with that broom. She took off her shoe and tossed it to me "KILL IT!"
"WHY ME!?"
"BECAUSE YOU ARE THE BOY! BOYS KILL SPIDERS!"

I finally gathered enough courage and turned to face the monster.

FUCKER WAS GONE!!!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH LET ME OUT LET ME OUT HE'S GONE HE'S GONE LET ME OUT!!!!"

This did not work. Neither did the tears, the relentless begging, and promises of aANYTHING she wanted.

By the way, saying "I'll do ANYTHING you WANT" Will backfire, as they will answer "I want you to kill the spider!"

Then started my search. With shoe held high, I ducked under her desk and started lifting things. I was completely gun-shy. ANYTHING that moved, I was pedaling backwards screaming. I didn't care anymore, there was NO shame left in me. So much NONshame that I had NO Shame going to the door every few minutes crying, and begging to be let out.

Crying...does not work...on girls. Make a note of that.

Finally, I looked down the wall between the desks and THERE HE WAS and he RAN at me! It was THEN I realized as I lifted the shoe, this SHOE was not going to do SHIT to this spider!

I hurled it at him as a means of distraction and catapulted myself out of the room, climbing over the broom and screaming past MoonGoddess "I'm so sorry!! I can't do it!! I'm so so so so sorry!"

I slowly crept back down the hall and hid behind her, and peered over her shoulder...ohhhh there he came. And like a NINJA she lifted that broom and smacked the HELL out of that spider.

BUT HE WASN'T DEAD! She had to literally lay the smack down on that spider TEN TIMES before he was finally disabled. NOT DEAD, disabled. Still trying to run, but not able to. MoonGoddess breezed by me, went in the kitchen and came back, and shoved the broom and a dustpan in my hand and said quite angrily, "YOU get to flush him." And left.

I'm not going to lie, I cried sweeping him up too. I was so afraid he was going to reanimate into super zombie spider and go straight for my jugular vein.

MoonGoddess got comfy in her computer again and so did I, and not another word was spoken about the spider. I kept nervously looking around because I was shell shocked.

Nothing was said until right as we were going to sleep she said "Jeeze, there's probably hundreds more like him all around this stupid house. How did he even get in? How did we not see him before then? It's so dark in here too, what if we never saw him and then went to sleep? Man, that'd be scary as hell!"

She then promptly fell asleep.

DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!!

Ugh, now I keep feeling like spider webs are descending on me. His brothers and kinfolk are out there...I know it. And they've been plotting revenge ever since...I KNOW IT!!


Scary ass spiders, man....

Death by Wasabi

There comes a time in every person's life, when they strike out to try something new. They hear of a French/Asian fusion recipe, and while usually they're not really down with Asian, they'll try it and go "Oh wow, this is fabulous. I am just chuffed to bits that I decided to try this."

Because everyone will randomly throw in a British phrase whilst trying new food.

There have been many things that I have tried over the course of several years that I would have never have thought of trying. Some of them I loved, some...not so much

(NEVER believe the vegetarian who hands you a handful of alfalfa sprouts and tells you they are delicious. You will die. You will die a thousand, grassy tasting deaths in your soul, and you will never forgive yourself. Especially when they look at you with pleading sympathy and say "I meant on a sandwich." For the record, MoonGoddess, we need to complete our sentences before handing the carnivore a handful of grass *blech*)

Way back before Teffy became an Otaku (of Xena, no less, *makes little circular symbol with hands and whispers* "praise be to Xena, might warrior princess, who leadeth us into battle and to Queen Gabrielle of the Amazons for leading us to the light of greater good and dignity, through love and peace. Give us the power to survive in a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings. Forge us through the heat of battle so that we may become a mighty warrior. In Callisto's name we pray, KIIIIAAAYYIIIIII )

*ahem*

Now, way back when I was a much younger Tefflet, I got the distinct...well, haha, pleasure actually...of watching a friend accidentally ingest Wasabi. Her father loved spicy stuff, she...did not. And one day whilst in the throws of gettin' out some leftovers, she grabbed a bag of chips and a Styrofoam container of what she thought was Guacamole. While in fact, it was not. It was an identical Styrofoam container that was filled halfway with Wasabi that her father had brought home with his Chinese food leftovers.

And I watched as she dipped a glopping chip into it, and took an ASTOUNDINGLY large bite of it.

Screaming...is an understatement.

Now, MoonGoddes and I, got all sucked into cute Japanese culture via their brainwashing and adorable Bento Boxes.



FOR THE LOVE OF XENA!! LOOK AT IT!! Tell me you don't want to eat that!! So we came to a (very rushed, un-thought-out) decision:

We're going to buy rice...loooots of it. And we're going to make rice balls, and rice patties, and sushi (erm, veggie sushi) and rice rice rice and get good with this and make cute BENTO BOXES!

We get this (realistically 5lb) 500lb bag of rice home and realize "Holy Crap, how the hell do you make rice balls?"

Thank you, Google

Maaan we had it down, made some little veggie rice balls. I got confident enough that I finally said I wanted to make a little lunch of rice balls and take them to work with me.

You cannot fathom the amount of times I have sat here giggling and going "*teehee*...balls" One day, when I grow up...I hope to be an adult. But face it, that's a lot less fun.

I began reading various ways to prepare these little rice balls with meats and seafoods and kept seeing one thing strongly suggested: Wasabi. The wasabi would keep the food...I guess non-killer to you for some indescript reason.

(I also find it fascinating, that at almost 1AM I couldn't think of the word "food poisoning" but fired off "indescript" without hesitation...)

Off we went and grabbed Wasabi.

"You like horseradish, right?" MoonGoddess inquired as we entered the kitchen
"No, ew, why?"
"I guess this is kind of like that, you try it first."
"No, ew! You like it right?"
"Doesn't matter, I'm a vegetarian, I neither need or want wasabi in my rice balls"
"hhehehhe"
"I swear to god if you don't stop laughing every time we say balls..."

Now, here is where my fatal flaw came into play.

It's called my ego.
Ego, I now know = VERY BAD

I had a flash back to my friend screaming and flailing and eating the chip loaded with "guacamole".

Yet my head went "yeah but she survived!"
Give me a huge BLOB of it, right there on my finger!!

MoonGoddess gave me a look that was a mixture of "you have GOT to be shitting me" with "This further proves the crazy theory I've had all along".

But it was quickly replaced with a huge grin, "Okay" she said and squeezed a blob out onto my finger.

"you want some water or something, Teff?"
"Nah I got this"
"I mean, I'm serious, I'll get you some water...or milk, or....something..."
"Nah...I'm a champion. Wasabi won't do jack to me"

Smugness creeped across her face, "Go on now, then...take a big bite."

I stared it down like a Japanese foe. Unfortunately (and waha!) it was like Xena staring down her Japanese foe...and you all know what happened there.

If you don't, you are dead to me.

Because in my head, I'm still going "LIKE GUACAMOLE!" And shoved my finger, with this killer sized blob of wasabi right into my mouth.

I cannot describe the sheer level of hell that tore through my taste buds and assaulted my neurological system at that time. I imagine, that if food could metaphorically shoot you in the head, the wasabi did just that.

Not wanting to repeat the sheer level of screaming and agony I witnessed my friend go through, I simply let out a extremely defeated and whimpery "MmmMmmruummphhh" and closed my eyes. I opened them and peered through watery defeat to a Cheshire grin from the MoonGoddess, who then promptly fell into fits of uproarious laughter, "YOUR FACE!! OH MY GOD YOUR FACE!!!"
"mmmahhaahuuhh feeaacee? *whimper* *twitch*"
"It's RED!"

I knew I had to swallow the stuff. KNEW I had to! There was a trashcan just FEET away from me, but THAT was DEFEAT!!

I felt my face go through so many alien and foreign facial expressions of torture, which are apparently hilarious, as the MoonGoddess literally almost died laughing.

And finally swallowed the nasty blob of DOOM and gasped for air, and looked around for something to douse the fires from the BOWELS OF HELL in my mouth.

"oh god!" I exclaimed at the nothing that was in my immediate vicinity
"What'cha lookin for, Teff?" MoonGoddess grinned, "Do you need some water?"
"Hell no! I'm...*HACK* good!"

And as a person of pure integrity, she had already gotten me a glass of water and handed it over to me.

She then said "Next time you eat it, I have to film it"

Oh, WAIT a SECOND here!! I did not sign a contract for Wasabi face down of DOOM!

It should be noted that I did try it yet again and it was filmed, and I will say, I was not aware a human could turn that red.

So, yeah, Wasabi...it's really not bad if you put like, a silky thin layer of it on about 57 million pounds of rice. Really good stuff.

Wow, I think I taste it. That's some deep psychological scarring right there.

Bleh...

Love will get you killed.

There is something to be said about getting immersed into a subject.

Don't.do.it.

I throw this warning out, because there was a time when I got immersed in the subject of UFO's and extraterrestrial life.

Not "immersed" as in I joined the X-files team, down on my knees, throwing my hands to the sky like Mulder yelling "I WANT TO BELIEVE!"

No, I simply mean I was fascinated by the subject. I was more on the debunking side of things, when somebody submitted a photo, I could quickly say "oh yes, I see what you see there, but that really is caused by a lens flare, sensor overload, dust, etc"

But there are just some things I COULD NOT explain. This got MoonGoddess involved and we started gobbling up unexplained stories like Asian school girls and rice balls.

*heh* I said balls.

ANYWAY. One beautiful summer night came around, and there was no cloud cover. I can't remember the initial reason we had gone outside to look at the sky. There were several events that were around that time. Although I'm pretty certain, no I'm positive it was a meteor shower at that time.

We had gone out, and both our luck is atrocious for spotting meteors.

And by "Atrocious Luck" I mean we are REALLY impatient. But within moments we were outside, I saw one and got excited, and then she saw one too. This further fueled us to stay just a weeeee bit longer outside "just in case".

Whilst staring at the sky, we got to joking. This wasn't the same type of joking as we did with the Werewolves who snacked on apartment dwellers (Although, that IS true), this was more of a 'what if' and 'do you think' conversation.

"What would you do if you saw a UFO" type question.

Then, the neighborhood fell quiet, extremely quiet. This caught both our attention immediately as we looked to each other and said "Wow...that is...creepy..." A flash caught our eyes as a very low metor streaked across the sky, a very bright green color and low. We looked to each other in excitement and went "WOW!!! DID YOU SEE THAT!!!"

The celebration however, was cut short. For from the corner of the house came a very...VERY strange noise. I can't even think of a way to describe it, it was that strange.

We both glanced at each other with the same "WTF" face and fear and she said "Did....did you hear that?"
"Yeah but it's probably noth--"
*Creepy ass noise again*

We both bolted towards the stairs. I made it about two up and turned sideways, because she was behind me. I didn't want to run in in front of her, how douchey. But instead of her simply running past, I was grabbed my my shirt and pulled DOWN THE STAIRS and back into the yard, as she used my body for leverage to help speedily BOLT her up the stairs.

See that? She was hurling me to the wolves...er...aliens to be eaten!!! I paused out of LOVE and she was going to get me KILLED!

She has since given me her side of the story as to why she did that. She swears it wasn't to get me eaten, or to throw me behind her. I believe it was more along the lines of she was grabbing me to pull me in the house with her, and it all went horribly wrong.

But I can't remember, because I know she was trying to get me eaten.

Meanie.

Blood Sucking Neighbors.

There was always a joke between MoonGoddess and I when we lived in apartments. It quickly grew out of control, as our imaginations had spewed forth and unleashed some pretty gruesome (and quite realistic) scenarios involving werewolves living in town and bursting through unsuspecting apartment dweller's balcony doors, thus mauling them to death.

Ah, Imagination.

Upon moving into the log (as this old wooden rickety trailer has been dubbed, and rightfully so), I immediately noticed something odd after having the electricity turned on and going outside during the night.

Our "Safety" light did not work. I then realized that none of the houses in the neighborhood had safety lights, thus rendering the entire neighborhood pitch black during the night.

"Oooh," I thought to myself for a moment, "This could be nice. I can look up and see the stars."

Nobody welcomed us to the neighborhood, or ever stopped in to say hello. (I've been living here almost a year and a half, and have had one person come over looking for their cat, and I don't even know what house she came from.)

I went along with my business, going to work as usual, coming home in the evening or night. Ah, the neighbors were having a BBQ, Oh, those have built a little fire and they're all outside singing. I jokingly said to the MoonGoddess "Hope the werewolves don't get them." She replied "Werewolves only eat apartment dwellers."

Oh yeah.

One day whilst being outside (I was changing the windshield wipers on the car, entirely different horror story), I took notice to just how quiet it was outside and looked around. Nothing. Nobody. Anywhere.

Come that evening, as I went outside again, Oh there they were! Fires a'blazin and singing and guitar playing, One guy playing on a motorcycle, another working on a car. How awesome, I have nocturnal neighbors...they probably have insomnia like me!

Until it hit me like a sack of bricks falling off a truck...and right into my face. We were driving home one day, and MoonGoddess said that she really kind of liked how quiet it was in the neighborhood, and I suddenly exclaimed "OUR NEIGHBORS ARE VAMPIRES!"

I cannot express the level of anxiety after that epiphany. I'd go outside at night, and there they were, jovially going about their "day". This would explain why nobody has ever come over! They can't come in unless you invite them in for a bloodbath of sheer terror and pain! And they KNEW we were hermits!

I did a great deal of ignoring my silly intuition until one night, after the MoonGoddess had moved out, I was alone and the electricity went out. It was mid summer, and I had decided to take a nap in all the quiet. I awoke in the early evening, right after sunset, and it was so hot and stuffy in the house, I decided to go outside for some fresh air.

Bad mistake.

They were ALL outside and at the neighbor's house who had fired up a giant grill. Conversation went as follows:

Guy at Grill: Hey! There you are! Wanna come over?
Me: *nervously chuckles* Uhm...what'cha making?
Guy at Grill: That depends, are you coming over?
Me: *backing back into the house* No...No thanks...

I'M TELLING YOU!!! They were going to EAT ME!

Now, I'm ok knowing that I fully believe my entire neighborhood is full of vampires. What is not ok is that I'm so sure of it, and have embraced it, that I completely forget this is not "normal" thinking. For it causes awkward conversations like this:

Me: Yeah, so I locked the keys in the car...no...no it's ok...I had MoonGoddess come over with a metal ...thing...I dunno, it slid into the door and I hit the button.
Mom: Why didn't you just ask one of your neighbors to come help?
Me: Oh it's daytime, they're not here.
Mom: Oh, all at work?
Me: No, they're vampires. If I had locked the keys in the car tonight, it probably would have been ok, but no they're all asleep right now.
Mom: ....Ok? ....Uhm...I love you...I will talk to you later...bye...

It was that moment I could hear the absolute heartbreak in my mother's voice and knew the thoughts going through her head Dear Lord above, I love this child of mine, but how do I break it to my own child...how do I tell the others??? How do I tell them my child has completely lost their mind!!

It's almost a game now for me, but the novelty is wearing off a bit. The first few times after that conversation, I'd bring up the vampire neighbors to my mom "Yeah, the vampires were outside having a bonfire. The guy with the long hair? He's really good at guitar!" She'd nervously laugh and change subjects.

Now when she calls it's in a sing songy voice "So hooow are the vaaaampires??"

Oh god, they're going to eat me and nobody will know WHY! My mother will be weeping "I should have listened!! I was told!! I was told there were vampires!!"

And they'll probably cart her off! Oh NO! What have I done!?

Ok, It's 2AM. Maybe one is waltzing around out there, it has warmed up quite a bit, I'm sure they'll be out and enjoying the weather as well. I should go ask if there's some vampire/normal neighbor amnesty that they uphold or something. Or heck, maybe I shouldn't? I'm an insomniac, they probably just assume I'm a loner vampire.

God, all the hard decisions in life!

Them Genes Them Genes

I've relayed this story in short on one other occasion through another type of media (YouTube). Yet it was part of a Q&A and was quickly answered. And was about 5 years ago. Since then I have retold the tale to my friends and so forth and in the video, it's not as detailed.

When I say detailed I mean my initial thoughts as a 13 year old.

Yes, I once was a young Tefflet, Us Teffies do age you know? As we all know, in your teenage years, your parents are the dumbest creatures alive. You cannot fathom how they have the know-how to try and raise you. Oh the injustice of not being able to go out with your friends and so forth.

Every now and then, you are put into a situation that legitimately blows your mind and you are free to have the thought of "WHAT?!"

This particular "WHAT" moment happened at a bonfire.

Now, I have to backstory a little bit here. My dad lives in the middle of nowhere and somehow also has neighbors. Good ol' redneck habitation area. Gotch'er acre a' lan' witcher corn'n'maters growin' fer the summer kinda habitation area.

Loved it as a kids...noooooot so much in later years. My dad was known for big bonfires, which then entailed drinking booze and having X number of drunk friends take bets on who could jump the bonfire at X stage of height of inferno flames. It never ended well for the drunks, yet was pure entertainment for all us kids there. But that is another story.

The story I wish to impart, didn't even INVOLVE the bonfire, yet magically did involve it. The bonfire was not lit, and herein lies the problem!

My dad was also a boat mechanic. He owned his own business and I'm sad to say that the other day, I actually laughed out loud driving behind a guy hauling a boat and yelled "He's got an Evinrude motor?!! HAAAA What TRASH!" and got a blank stare from the MoonGoddess. I sheepishly continued, whilst pointing in shame, "guy.boatmotor.evinrude...MY DAD WAS A BOAT MECHANIC DON'T JUDGE ME!"

Now, when you start having problems in your fuel lines with a motor, there's gonna be a big problem...water. Because, hello, it's submerged in water. Before you can work on a boat with damaged fuel lines, you drain the fuel inside the boat, just in case there is water in it.

Now this was right at the beginning of the whole "Global Warming" "Kumbaya" "Love the Earth" spazzing, and my dad (As sadly I still am for some reason) was all "EFF the GREEN INITIATIVE!"

So he siphoned the gas into 5 gallon buckets. Now...you take these to a processing center right? Someone recycles the gas and all that good BS. NO...not papa bear oh great and wise gasoline master...no.

Daddy made Napalm equivalents. He had a HUUUUGE hole dug out in his back yard (was supposed to become a swimming pool...NEVER happened). He'd let the weeds grow up nice and tall and set them on fire to 'burn the hole out for when he was ready to make the pool'

Good job, dad...keep the death trap hole clean.

He'd get some huge plastic McDonald's cup and fill it with gasoline and fling it into the inferno and BLAM! He'd laugh and say "That's like Napalm, that's what Napalm would do to you."

Ah, ex-military...seriously...warped...

Now the bonfires were a different story. He drew upon his many years as a boy/eagle/ninja snake scout, and did the whole kindling triangle (or tepee or whatever it was), add a little of this and that and so on, then larger chunks of wood.

Not this time. This time, it was the bonfire to end all centuries. He had bought a new couch and the old one "Just HAD to go". This got a Spring Cleaning frenzy started, and before we knew it, there were mattresses, a couple coffee tables, and his couch all on this big pile ready for ignition.

My dad gets an idea. "Hey, go grab that bucket of gasoline out of the back of my truck"
Oh no.

He's steadily dumping gasoline all over this bonfire. My sister and I are standing there "Dad...dad....DAD that's enough, that's A LOT of gasoline!'
"NAAAAAAH It's soakin it up, it'll be fine!"

Uneasy glances were exchanged.

Now, you know something bad is going to happen when they start calling their friends over, "Jaime! Weasel! Ron! C'mere! We're gonna light this sucker up!"

Terrified glances were exchanged.

He strikes a match and tosses it in.....nothing. Match number two...nothing.
This starts a bit of cussing "What in the ever loving hell?! I put 5 gallons of gasoline on this thing! Must've soaked it up! Ron! Go get the other bucket!"

My sister and I yammering over each other, steadily "Dad dad dad, this is a bad idea, it's the vapors dad the vapors, the gasoline is soaked into the couch but the vapors are heavier than air! gasoline vapors are heavier than air, dad!!! You're throwing the match at the top!! You need to light a stick and throw it towards the base!"

"Nah nah nah, I've been dealin with gasolines and fires mah whole life, I think I know what I'm doin....ROOOON!!! You got the bucket yet?"

Five more gallons get flung gleefully onto this Megatron of bonfire stacks.

"Thaaaar we go!!!" He said as he lit a cigarette and smiled, "That'll do it."

"That'll do it alright..." My sister snipped to me "he's going to kill us!! And if he doesn't...MOM will kill him."
I simply nodded, I was too terrified to look away.

Match number three...nothing. Match number four...Nothing.

"DAD!!! Dad the VAPORS it's been like 10 minutes they're not even THERE anymore it's like GOING across the GROUND!"

Did he heed our warnings? Our frantic cries?
No...no he did not, thank you for asking.

You have to realize, this is the same man that decided he was going to teach us everything he knew because the public school system was 'failing the country' (which...I do believe) So he taught us a wealth of knowledge well beyond our years.

Hell, he taught us ABOUT THE GASOLINE VAPORS!

He finally strikes this one match and tosses it, and it lands...right at the bottom of the burn pile, and ignited ALL the vapors that had sunk to the ground.

I'm not going to compare it to the nuclear bomb, but it was close. One amazing explosion upwards, and then ALL the vapors on the ground ignited and a wave of DOOM came towards EVERYONE!

Screaming, running, drunks tripping over dogs. We're SCREAMING at the top of our lungs, "WE TOLD YOU! WE TOLD YOU DAD!!!"

And ALL he had to say about it was, "WASN'T THAT COOL!?"

It's that moment, if you're fairly intelligent like we were, you take a moment to stop and think about this that just happened. I'm sure my sister had the same thought and we telepathically agreed and shared it, oh my god...we're genetically related to him.

Yep, that's right. No amount of education throughout my life has ever erased that story, and it's forever stuck with me that no matter HOW intelligent I may feel...I am genetically related to a man that nearly destroyed probably an entire neighborhood with gasoline.

Them genes them genes, they's sho' run deep....

Binaural beats and me

I don't know if anyone has heard of "Binaural Beats" other than the whole iDoser spill, so I will quickly explain before getting into my story.

Binaural Beats take two conflicting sound waves that you play whilst wearing headphones, and your brain tries to steady the conflicting sound out, which ends up pulling your brain into a specific brain wave pattern.

Not technical, probably a little wrong, but it serves it's purpose. iDoser is where people discovered which brain waves were present during certain drug usage, so they started making Binaural waves that would pull your brain into the wave pattern of...say...marijuana, without having to actually smoke a joint.

I decided to play Guinna pig last summer and try this out. I downloaded the "marijuana" one and gave it a try, since I was familiar with the "effect"

Hey, I'm secure enough to say that in my teenage years I smoked marijuana, so neener neener.

There was one problem, most Binaural beats are absent anything BUT the two conflicting sound patterns, and as soon as I started it, it felt like my eyes were trying to rattle out of my head trying to get a handle on what was out of focus.

You have to wear stereo headphones for the thing to work, so it was like two angry harpies, one in each ear, shrieking for my attention.

I gave it up, disappointed and angry. A few months down the road I found one called "Bach to the Future"

I downloaded it simply because of the name (I'm serious, if you were selling weapons grade uranium and gave it an awesome name, I'd probably buy it.) I read the original post on it, it's purpose was to pull your brain from Alpha brain waves (waking pattern) to Theta brain waves (relaxed pattern) to Delta brain waves (Sleeping pattern)

I actually could have that all kinds of backwards, I'm too lazy to actually research it right now. Oh the usability of editing functions. But who are we kidding? I'm a disastrous procrastinator, this will never be updated.

Where was I? Oh yeah. There was a warning listed that I completely overlooked. I made it as far as "make sure you are laying down and there are no distractions around you, if you are in Theta or Delta brain pattern waves and are disturbed, this could cause you to become quite startled as you will not be actually asleep. If this is your first time using this binaural beat, please stop the recording at the 30 minute mark, as it can become quite uncomfortable after that. We suggest placing something over your face to keep any light out, or any disturbances."

I did not make it to the part where they STRONGLY recommended you lay in silence up to an hour after listening to slowly get back into a normal brain wave pattern, and also the part where shit could get uncomfortable...quick.

So I lay down in the bed, it's late at night. I figured if I actually fell asleep (as the post said happened to many people the first few times, and it was normal) I would be comfortably in bed and no harm would be done.

I start the mp3, expecting to be assaulted once again by annoying sound waves but no! Gently wafting in came the sounds of Bach.

Ah, well played beat maker...well played.

Underneath the audio you could hear the waves playing, but not nearly as annoying as only the waves. I closed my eyes and relaxed and lost myself.

There are a few things that started happening. My mouth started tingling, my lips twitched, my feet and legs twitched a bit...much like when you are falling asleep. Yet, I was fully aware, and thought this was the coolest thing in the world.

And then the unexpected, as it reached the point where my brain was switching into the Delta brain pattern, my body did as it would naturally do, and went into sleep paralysis. my arms and legs became lead. At first it was nifty "ha ha, lookie here, I'm trying to move but I can't." But then I realized...this was a bit uncomfortable to me, and started panicking me. Then I started seeing and hearing things...because by all accounts, I was asleep. Even though I wasn't actually asleep, my brain thought it was and was doing it's nightly cleaning and making me dream.

Being 100% fully aware and also dreaming sounds awesome, but it was the absolutely most terrifying moment of the whole ordeal.

No biggie, I'll take the headphones out.
Oh wait, I can't move my arms...or my fingers or anything....or...

*CLICK*

The light BEAMED into my eyes. MoonGoddess was coming into the room to go to sleep.

I instantly snapped back to reality and groggily took the headphones out and sat up.

"Did it work?"
"yeah, wow."
"Sorry, I said I was turning on the light...I didn't know you had headphones in, did it bother you?"
"Nah, it's all ok."

Truth is, it wasn't. I was stuck. I could barely sleep that night, kept hearing that song play over and over and over and over again. Kept seeing flashes of little ogres and colors of light. My head was angry and demanding answers What the HELL did you do to me, Teffy??

Three days. Three days is what it took to get over it. I felt like I was in the deepest of fogs after all was said and done.

I've since used it again, and had a much more pleasant turn of events from it, I actually fell asleep while listening and had probably the best sleep of my life.

I do have to warn you, if you have suffered *ANY* traumatic events in your life, or recently, I would strongly suggest you *DO NOT* use this binaural beat, or any one that will take you into a Delta brainwave pattern, unless you are ready to deal with some demons.

Even in normal sleep, your brain can suppress itself from bringing up truly horrible things you have repressed. When you are fully aware and in a dream pattern, your mind will race and start pulling up stuff you don't want it to. Trust me...I had some stuff come up that I had completely forgotten and had to quickly get over in order to be ok while listening to it.

If you're ready for it, and you will not sue the PANTS off me, here is the link to the sound file.

I strongly suggest ONLY listening to the first 30 minutes. The reason is, after 30 minutes you are at the BEGINNING of being in the Delta pattern, so if you turn it off then, you will most likely just fall asleep and be fine the next morning.

For almost the entirety of the second 30 minutes it keeps you in a delta pattern, which is when the weird stuff starts pulling back up into your head and coming forth, it then goes into Theta, then back to Alpha patterns to bring you back to 'waking' world.

Super big tip...cover your eyes up with something ha ha.

I know, not quite a humorous post, but I thought I'd share my experience!

Bach to the Future can be downloaded or streamed from this link:

Bach to the Future

Enjoy techno shamans!

Cobblestone: A Tale

I used to work at Taco Bell before becoming associated with the hell that is Wal-Mart. I wouldn't say either job is worse than the other.

I'm lying. I will go out on a limb here and say Taco Bell was worse, not for the fact that I got shitty pay and over worked, burritos thrown at me, screamed at, threatened and so forth and at a whopping manager's pay of $5.75 an hour (Back in the glory days of 2007). No no, it was because at this establishment of woe, I was to encounter the one thing that destroyed my love of books, probably for the rest of all eternity.

See, we all got bored quickly, and one person started discussing books one day. Amongst the discussions they discovered they all liked similar books, and started a "Book Trade".

I have to say "Book Trade" quite loosely. This was not Oprah's book club here, no sir. These puppies were brought from home and tossed into a empty Mild Sauce packet box and employees would pick through it, take one home, come back, rinse, lather, repeat.

MoonGoddess on several occasions brought a book home with her and would read it. I never fell into the rhythm of getting books out or getting involved with this "Book Trade".

I kept hearing one particular title over and over again. It was being whispered amongst the others, as if a Dead Sea Scroll had magically appeared into our box of books a la Mild Sauce miracles or something.

I inquired to the MoonGoddess if she had chance to procure this mystical scroll and read it, and was met with a "No, not yet."

This was it. It was mine.

I climbed the dangerous path to Mordor (read: Soda Shelf), and claimed the mystical scroll that had been whispered amongst my colleagues of burrito making badassery. The mystical light that glowed from it was glorious...that...or I was having a stroke from too many soft tacos, sadly it could have been both.

Oh, baby Buddah, why won't 3AM come fast enough??

Like a JET I bolted from the store, MoonGoddess in tow, and we went home that night. I was beyond excited to read this magical scroll of epicness.

We're talking Gabrielle's blue scrolls of Xena epicness I had expected.

I made it 25 pages in, and stopped. MoonGoddess inquired, "Is it good?" I sat in utter shock, staring at the pages. I...I couldn't go on.
"Bad?"
"..."
"Really bad?"
"...She just spent 7 pages describing cobblestones in a path."

Ruined...for life. It was one of those things you just don't notice at first. Hell, I was slightly amused by it at first, "Wow, she sure is descriptive about these cobblestones." By page 3 though, I had this moment of stupor. Realizing there were still 200+ pages left, and had a slight (although profoundly awful) moment of severe anxiety, that they were all about the cobblestones.

I understand adjective use. I do. I don't understand, over explaining A DAMN ROCK to the point that I had a slight 'rock genocide' moment in my head. That's not cool, man.

I haven't read a book since. I'm terrified. Last night, whilst speaking of this utter life destroying experience with The Polite Horse (Friendships and therapy, man...) I decided that I will outdo, that awful experience, by explaining the cobblestones...BETTER than she ever could have imagined.

It should also be noted, this was a Fantasy Novel. I find these especially hard to read. I get it, you're not on this planet, or this realm. Why is your main character named Ruvushaviknaknicknack? Why is a doublagarded dwelling earth monger not just called a FRICKEN TROLL!? Because, that's what I do "Ok, doublagarded dwelling earth monger = troll"
Deer? Mystical Wooded Feighnhorns or something equally ridiculous. DEER!!! DEEEER! Hell, throw it some flair "Woodland Elk" or something.

Ruvushaviknaknicknack slowly came upon the mystical town of Durouthmonthshirevilleston, heavy dread in his heart. How would he tell his father Lord Mortgath that his brother was dead?

With a deep breath, he stepped onto the town's cobblestone path to start the long journey to the castle.

The cobblestone path of familiarity. Each cobblestone, hand picked from the mountains and streams centuries ago, by the fathers and grandfathers of Durouthmonthshirevilleston. Smooth, polished from nature, each one with a story to tell.

Did this cobblestone come from a stream? Was it nuzzled by the wet nose of the Mystical Wooded Feighnhorns, looking for a small glimmer of algae, holding sustenance through the harsh winter?

Each cobblestone, different from the last, yet all similar. Taken from the nature of the land around them and placed permanently into a path of rigidness...away from the bosom of mother nature, which held it and gave it life. Away from the depths of the earth that brought it forth, a jagged rock and smoothed by the rushing and angry river's flow, slowly, surely, eventually, and other 'ly's to promote a very long time.

Each time a foot was placed upon the cobblestones, a lifetime of memories would resonate throughout them. Your grandfather, and his father, and his father before him, have placed their foots upon this cobblestone. At the moment, all with a purpose and a story, a life ahead of them, a mission in the moment...all placed upon this one, meek, insignificant cobblestone.

And this was just the first cobble stone. For there were exactly 450,942 cobblestones within this path from the Magical woods which housed the violent Doublagarded Dwelling Earth Mongers to the Castle of Pristine Awesomeness.

Ruvushaviknaknicknack took another step. Ah yes, this cobblestone. Where did this cobblestone come from? From perhaps the side of a waterfall and into the raging rivers of time...


You know what? I was going to be a total asshat and continue on for at least 20,000 more characters. But I started having flashbacks, couldn't breathe, sweating, nausea...I think that might be diarrhea working it's way about now...

Let me explain the extent of destroying my fragile brain this has caused. Two summers back, MoonGoddess and I took Gavinator and DillBear swimming at this place called Cool Pool. Middle of nowhere, big ole swimming hole in the woods with a rock dam built up to hold the water in.

I'm splashing around and get out, and Gavinator runs up to me and goes "LOOK! I found a round rock! It's really SOFT!"

I felt my face twitch, and heard "The cobblestones were so neatly and perfectly placed in rows on the path leading to the buildings..."

I told him to THROW IT BACK NOW! WE ARE NOT TAKING THAT ROCK WITH US!

I'm scared now...Somebody...Hold me.




....Not you....

You're ok though...


Oh no, not you either...

Never mind...