On being stabbed in the ass.

It should be heavily noted that I hate doctors.

A lot.

So much, in fact, that last Memorial Day, MoonGoddess had to literally drag my near-dead self into a doctor's office...twice.

See, after talking me into going into the doctor for 20 minutes, I peacefully got out of the car and walked inside the lobby.  She gently nudged me towards the counter, I broke out in tears, and took off running outside back to the car.

I was then taken back inside and put in a chair. Hence the earlier blog post in this about the Ativan.

So here's the deal. About 2 or so weeks ago, I woke up with a bump on the waist of my pants, right at the top of my right butt cheek

I know...how sexy.

I figured the normal run of the mill "Livin' in the South" things: Mosquito, Possible tick bite, maybe a flea?

But then it got worse, bigger, uglier, ouchier.  People started whispering "Are you sure it wasn't a spider?"

Hold up, you guys already know my undying hate for spiders.  That was the LAST thing that should have been whispered to me.  I suddenly had horrible visions of my left butt cheek rotting away and me trying to sit down, only to flop off a seat and burst into tears...destroyed by my lack of balance.

I envisioned myself alone in an ass cheek prosthetic store, trying on falsies so that I might one day lead a 'normal' life.  A life where I could sit with no fear.

I had already accepted my fate.

At one point it got bad enough, that I thought I was going to pass out, I got ill, very...very quickly.  It went from "unidentified bump on ass" to "unidentified bump on ass and now all the lymph glands in my groin are swollen...I can't move my leg...or lay down...or get comfortable.  And GOD it got hot in here, and I'm sweaty, and ....and I can't see straight..."

Off to the doctor I went...alone.

Same doctor, with one difference.  My nurse, turned out to be a friend of mine.

INSTA-RELIEF!
(I thought)

Oh the BS'ing was instant, kicking it off and chit chatting...she took a look at it and asked if it could be staph.  Hm didn't think of that, but nah it was a bug bite.

Nope...it was an abscess.  An infection, and it had moved through to my lymph glands in under a day.
The doctor came in and was concerned about how fast it had moved, and said it was too small to drain, so I had to get a round of antibiotics...fast.

She said to me "The good news is, I don't have to drain it.  The bad news is, you gotta get a shot."

And in my bravado I said "HA!  A shot!  That's not too bad!"

Until my friend walked back in with TWO syringes.

(quick back story:  I hate shots more than I hate spiders...and doctors...COMBINED!  I used to never have a problem with shots, until I was getting blood drawn for a H. Pylori test [which I had].  Both my sisters remained quiet as their blood was drawn, and as I sat down, my little [EVIL] sister goes "oh my god, did you see the needle?  It's huuuuuuge...man that's gonna HURT!!  Don't look!  Oh here it comes!"  *lady sticks it in my arm* "OMG can you FEEL that!! I bet you can!  Oh my god I bet it like hurts SO BAD!!"  I was ruined.  Now when  a needle gets near me...I hear her and I FLIP OUT!)

My friend already knew I'd flip out so she did the kind thing and put HUGE ASS FUCKING NEEDLES ON IT So that she could get the shot in...QUICK.

I quizzed her, what was the gauge, what was the length?  All answered with "I'm not telling you that."

I tried for close to ...I want to say 45 minutes to talk her out of giving me the shots...I reaaallly tried.  She finally told me that the needles were big, and she had to do two shots b/c the dose couldn't be put into one muscle.  So I begged, one in each arm.

My arm muscles...not big enough.  Must go in biggest muscle of my body.

...my ass.

I BEGGED her, put them in the already hurt side.  She then reminded me "TWO.SEPARATE.MUSCLES!"  To which I almost screamed back "YOU GOTTA STICK BOTH SIDES OF MY ASS?!"

Yes...yes she did.

Now...I said I was friends with her.  But we don't have that type of friendship where "I'm gonna change real quick"
"Ok no problem, I'll just sit on the bed here...oh nice underwear!"
"Thanks! Got it on sale!"

So I went from ungodly anxious to her saying "Ok, pull down your pants" first off when she came in the room.

Yes, I argued and begged her not to stick me for almost 45 minutes with my pants halfway down.

We have a special bond now.   And what other person can say their friend stuck them with two gigantor needles in each ass cheek?

(Other than heroin addicts running out of options, I suppose)

It honestly was not as bad as I was thinking it would be.  It's amazing what the human mind can do.

I hobbled out of there, angry, hurting, and knew I had to drive (oh yeah that was FUN) and then the woman at the desk told me that there's no copay because I have insurance now and they pick up the entire visit.

Oh?

YAY DOCTORS!!!!