The Amazing Insomniac Adventure.

This was previously posted on another site, and got "Reader's Choice".  Enjoy.

As a precursor to this entry, there is always a back story as to what brought this situation about.  Last May, a little after my birthday, I had some not so great things come up in my life, that put me into a mental tail spin.  I ended up quite sick, and was taken to a doctor who determined that 'due to my circumstances' I needed to be treated for depression and insomnia.  The depression part I understood, as I did feel a bit lower that manure under a cow at that moment.  The insomnia bit, I didn't understand at all.  Yeah, I stayed up late and so forth, but I wasn't an insomniac.  I was given a pill called Ativan, thus bringing this little journey about.  It should also be noted, I no longer take any of the medications, and I'm back to full fledged insomnia (which is where you lovely readers get my late night ramblings from!  So rejoice!)

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When the doctor walked into the room and told me she was prescribing this pill called "Ativan" for my "Anxiety".  Sure, no problem, I've always dealt with a fairly substantial amount of anxiety.  When I filled my prescription and looked at the bottle, it listed in order for treatment "Insomnia/Anxiety"

In the middle of the Wal-Mart pharmacy, I bellowed to the Heavens, "Insomnia?! HA! HA-HA-HA!"

This shit makes you sleepy.

Not sleepy, like when you take a medicine and then read the bottle and it warns "Don't take this medicine and drive that car, you'll CRASH!"  and you take it anyway, go on and drive and gloat to yourself, "Pffft, I'm so above this crap.  I took it and I'm driving...I'm the beast of all human creatures!"

No, it is totally not like that.  I took it the first night, and heard the doctor's voice echo inside my head (very Obi Wan like) "Make suuuuure you're ready to goooo to bed.   It acts very quiiiicklllyyy."  I threw a tiny little pill in my mouth and scoffed out "pusshaaaw, onto YouTube!"

I want to say it was 10 minutes later (hell, it could have been less), I was hit with the most hideous feeling ever...what the HELL was that??  It was like faeries, NAY, evil goblin troll things made of pure lead and evil, grasped me by my eyelids and were pulling them down.  "w...wtf..." I stammered out.

No!  I wasn't READY yet!  I had so much random internet surfing to do!!

I admitted defeat and slid into bed.
Omg...the bed..

The bed, does not have wooden slats on it, it sinks down in the middle, and there's this phantom spring that no matter WHERE you are in the bed, it finds your hip bone and goes "CAMP!  Set it up here, boys!" and it grinds away at your bone and soul.  It steals whatever happiness you might have towards beds away.

Seriously, remember in Sailor Moon...when Kaedite is stealing people's energy for Queen Behryl, and all the people that come to happy fun Dreamland, and (stupidly) ate the cake suddenly have shadowy fog coming from their bodies, and they fall helplessly into the floor, unable to move?  Because ALL their energy is being sucked into the crazy Princess woman's apple? 

That is EXACTLY what the bed does to you.  But no candy or cake...or cute automated tigers...or bears.

And definitely no Sailor Moon :(

But the bed that night?  It was made of pure happiness and gold.  That phantom spring?  That was extra support for my hip...it felt...so amazing, so...THERE, it was MEANT to be there, like a small hand holding the lower part of my body saying, "It is ok.  I've got you, go to sleep, sweet prince."

The pillow...that's like 50 million years old?  The pillow that if I cut it open, I'm sure only dust and one of the dead sea scrolls would come out instead of cotton?  The one that becomes nothing as soon as your head hits it?  In fact, the stuffing inside has this weird head phobia...it wants nothing to do with people sleeping on it.  You touch it, and it splits to either side of your head, creating a set of afro sized ear muffs.

THAT Pillow??  Felt like an Egyptian pillow of amazing under my skull.  It wasn't afraid of me, it was wrapping it's arms around me and cradling my neck. 
"Dearest, sweetest Teffy." it whispered out, "I'll cradle your neck and create afro sized ear muffs to drown out any sound for you."
"My god, thank you, pillow...you are truly amazing."
"Never a problem, my amazing prince...now..give me your debit card PIN."

And in my state of stupor, I almost did it, but sleep grabbed me so fast.  No lying there wondering what tomorrow would bring, no tenseness...just...uninterrupted sleep.

I awoke the next morning feeling of a million bucks.

literally, like a herd of magnificient huge horned bucks.  Absolutely not the metaphor you thought I was going for did you?  A million of Bambi's dad...THAT awesome.

 My whole day drifted, I was on cloud nine, I was in limbo.  Not quite awake enough to care, yet not tired enough to want to sleep.

Oh.My.God, I wanted more.  I hurried home that night and waited anxiously for 9 o'clock to roll around.  *BOOM!* pill time!  And this time, it was more magnificent.  I expected it, I actually crawled out into the land of rainbows and unicorns.  I played in the fields of promises of good dreams and lollipops.  And when I hit the bed...stars...beautiful stars and butterflies flew from the blankets and danced around me.

About five days in, I realized "oh hey, there's only 15 pills in this bottle."  Then I heard the doctor's voice chime in again, "We'll give you this to get started and see how it goes, just come back in about two weeks and we'll adjust it."

Not a problem, I don't suffer from insomnia.  I went two nights without taking it, because I genuinely felt tired.  Biggest mistake ever, I couldn't fall asleep to save my life.

I casually mentioned to MoonGoddes that I needed to go back to the doctor soon so I could get a refill.  I also noticed something horrible, after about 10 pills, the magic wasn't there.  I got groggy and laid down, but the thoughts started racing.  The bed?  It...it was uncomfortable again, I woke up all night again.  I was such a grouch at work.


Ohhhh, that's what she meant by "Adjusting it."

The same day I mentioned I needed to go back to get the refill, I got a bill in the mail from the clinic.  A BILL!  I paid in full whilst I was there, and here they are saying I never paid at all. 
"Well, at least you used your debit card, right?"  Said MoonGoddess with a smile on her face, "Just get a transaction statement and show that to them."
"I paid in fricken cash..."

You would have thought somebody set a bag of kittens on fire in front of her with that statement, the way her face twisted around as she said back quite pleadingly, "please...pleeassee tell me you still have the receipt"

I'm notoriously awful about not keeping receipts.  Like, reaaalllly awful.  It could say on the bottom: "HOLD ONTO THIS RECEIPT FOR 5 DAYS AND YOU WILL GET FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS!"aaannddddd I'd probably lose it/throw it away in about two.  But I DID find it after HOURS of searching!

The problem is, I'm now stuck in an in between stage.  I'm not alert enough to watch a movie, or god forbid wash the dishes (That are now an impressive mountain and I'm sure that's a civilization starting on the South side over there.) or even watch anything on YouTube.  I'm just...HERE.

And then it hit me, dammit...I have insomnia. 

Now that I think of it...where DID I put that receipt after I found it?

....

....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!