And now...you're a cat.

I did say I would start writing more in here on lesser of a comedy thing and more about my 'journey' as it is, so here is an edited cross post from another blog I keep.  I've only edited it really to remove the first half which didn't pertain to this, and take out some names.

----

So often I hear the phrase "I understand what you are saying, but I don't actually UNDERSTAND what you mean."  When I explain the whole trans* thing to people.  "We get it, you are going to be a guy...but I still think of you as a girl because you're a girl, I just don't understand hating your body so much you'd change it and everything."

How do you go about explaining that?  

So how did I explain it?  How in the world would I try to explain to someone how I feel inside my body?

Well it's actually a pretty stupid example, but it works it seems.

I could sit here all day long and say "when I look at myself, I'm absolutely shocked at what I'm looking at.  I don't want boobs, I don't WANT this, it doesn't feel right, it feels just wrong."

I could continue on, saying that the thought of childbirth just absolutely horrifies me, the thought of wearing dresses makes me feel violated, and any other amount of response you'd normally hear from a trans person trying to explain their struggle.  The problem is, that isn't really helpful.  All we're doing with that is re-enforcing what you've already heard about trans people.

Which to me equates to:"WAAAAAAH! I HATE MYSELF! WAAAAAAH I JUST WANNA CHANGE! WAAAAAHH!!!!"

If you know me in real life, you'll learn that I'm the most politically incorrect person you will ever meet.  I hate people trying to spare other's feelings because something might be 'offensive'.  To me, if you can't take a joke, and if you're not secure enough with yourself to take the piss out of yourself and be good humored about it, then you need to just toughen up or go away.

Is that harsh?  Yes it is.  I lived through a life of mental and physical abuse (which I've written about in other places).  It's a HARD thing to get over, and I still struggle with, but the thing I found about humor is that people get INCREDIBLY sketchy once you go outside the cage of what is correct and not.

I make fun of myself all the time and call myself a 'tranny'.  Apparently this is absolutely and INCREDIBLY offensive.  I have been banned from communities over it being accused of being a troll and a self-loathing individual that needs to learn to respect myself, because if I did respect myself, I would NEVER use that word when referring to me.

My thoughts are, it's a damn word...get over it.

SO!  How would I put someone into my shoes using an example that is probably just ridiculously not even NEAR the subject, but it worked when I told 7 year old?

Ok, here we go.

You are walking down the street one day, minding your business, maybe drinking your morning coffee.  You stop for a moment and suddenly someone is rubbing your head and smiling at you.  Ok, that's awkward but whatever.  the person that has approached you then scratches you under the chin and giggles and walks away.

Moments later, a child goes by and gasps as they see you and shouts out "Kitty!" as they're pulled along by their parents.  You are now very confused as to what is going on, but continue about your day.  You are randomly stopped throughout the day and keep having your ears scratched and people cooing and talking to you.

Upon arriving home, you tell your partner about your ridiculously weird day, only for your partner to respond to you, "well, you're a cat, of course they'd do that."

...what??

At no time during your entire day, did you feel like a cat...yet now that you think about it, all these people were treating you as if you were a cat.  The scratching of your ears, rubbing under your chin, the cooing and giggling, the child yelling "kitty!" at you in excitement.

You look at your hands...they're hands...not paws, you run to the restroom and look into the mirror.  No no no you're not a cat!

But this continues.  More and more each day, people treating you as if you were a cat.  now they're bringing you tuna and everything else for the 'pretty kitty'.  People trying to get your attention by a quick click of their tongues instead of calling your name.

You think you're going insane.

You book a trip to the doctor and tell the doctor what is going on, the doctor tells you well yes...you are a cat.  You fall into all the characteristics of a cat; you like milk, you eat meat, you see better at night, and you are furrier than everyone else, and you enjoy hunting, therefor you are a cat.

No amount of explaining to people will change their minds of you, you fall into all the characteristics of a cat...therefor...you are a cat.

Inside, you know you are human.  How do you know you're a human?  what makes you a human?  You don't know...fuck, WHO knows?? you just know inside though, you are a human.  You aren't a cat...you are a human, you feel it...why can nobody SEE that??  You look at yourself and you know you are human, you can see yourself you are a human, and can't understand why anyone else can't see it.

But they continue on, you're a cat.  You are a cat, you are always going to be a cat, because you fit the criteria of being a cat.

With the 7 year old, it only took about 30 minutes of petting his head when we saw him, and telling him he was a good kitty, before he finally got upset and proclaimed to us, he wasn't a cat.

I used his logic on him that he used on me and told him he looked like a cat to me, and he acted like a cat, so why wasn't he a cat?

To which he thought about it and said back to me "Because I know I'm not a cat.  Inside, I know I'm not a cat."  I told him but he still looked like a cat to me, and he said "I don't know how to tell you I'm not a cat, but I know I'm not a cat, I feel human."

So I smiled and told him "I know I look like a girl, and I sound like a girl, but I'm not a girl"...I can't explain it to him or prove it to him, but I'm a boy.  Inside, I am a boy.  That I didn't know of any other way to tell him or show him, but inside, I was a boy.

He finally understood after that.

Yes, it's a ridiculously and fully flawed example, but that's what worked for a 7 year old.

From my point of view, I wake up each day and look at myself.  Despite what I physically look like with breasts and everything else...I see myself as a male.  I don't know how others can't see it.  I'm not feminine looking at all...in fact, here's some pictures of me from a few months ago.  One all instagrammed for your pleasure and another one of me being goofy:

 

To me, I see myself and say "I don't know how they can't see who I am inside"  And from the outside, people tell me "I honestly don't see you as a guy...you're too feminine looking"...then I look at myself again and say "HOW are you getting that from looking at me!?"

It becomes this meticulous game of me studying people, watching how men interact with each other, adopting their gestures and speaking patterns.  Women speak with an upward inflection at the end of their sentence (making it somewhat sound as if they are ending it in a question)  Men speak with a more downward inflection at the end of their sentences.

I did all this, I did all this to meet the criteria of what people thought men were, until I realized I was driving myself insane trying to 'prove I wasn't a cat.'

There will come a day, when it won't be an issue, but right now, I'm at the very early stages of transitioning.  One day, someone will see a picture of me and not know my past unless they really search it out...and maybe it'll change their opinion of the subject in the way.

The next part is potentially NSFW due to the men not being dressed (Don't worry, they're covered up, but still)

All of these men used to be women.  Everyone seems to know of Chaz Bono, and the like, but there are so many more of us out there, that maybe you've come across a photo once and just never knew it. 

There's Balain Buschbaum who was born Yvonne Buschbaum



Buck Angel (who is actually a porn actor)




Loren Cameron, who is an amazing photographer and I've looked through all his work




Ian Harvie (a stand up comedian)



Ryan Sallans (Public Speaker)




I'm not sharing those photos to try and make a statement, I'm sharing them because to me, they are a reminder, that at one point...they looked into the mirror and said to themselves "Why doesn't anyone else see it?  Why can they not see me inside of here?"

So many of us find each other on the internet when none of us have started our journey, or just at the beginning phases of our journey, yet we are always asked about our end goals and for us to explain exactly how we feel.  A lot of people who find transgender people on the internet are finding us at the beginning of our journey, so it is very hard to try and imagine how somebody with a body one way would change it for another.

All of us are being told we're cats, all of us are screaming 'we aren't cats!' and we can't explain it any better than saying "We just feel human, that's all"

Except you replace that with gender, and it's what I'm trying to get at.

Am I upset when somebody doesn't understand?  No, I'm not at all.  Why would I be upset with someone that can't understand it, when I barely understand it myself?  I don't have the end all answer to why I'm transgender, I don't have the magical cure either.  I just know how I feel and can try to express that.

I am not militant and I won't force anyone to say 'sir' or 'he' to me, although if I grow a beard it might be awkward calling me a 'she' is all I'm saying.

I do get a sickening gut punch, deep in the solar plexus whenever someone calls me by my birth name, or calls me a She, because I become embarrassed.  For me and for them, inside my head I go "oh god, they got it wrong."  followed shortly by "no that's right, I'm just lying to everyone and now they know."

I'm not lying, but my brain freaks out about it "well your name IS Amber, you're just lying and telling everyone it's Shane." followed by "But you ARE Shane, you were named Amber and we're going to fix that."

It starts a mental war, honestly.  I don't fault anyone for looking at me and hearing my story and saying "Okay so inside you're a guy, I get what you're saying...but you're a girl, I can't think of you as anything but a girl...sorry."

I don't fault anyone for that, because we're human beings.  I don't expect anyone to be able to fully put themselves into my shoes and try to understand, that's not my job here and it's not your job as another human being to try and sympathize with me.  Nobody is required to fully accept something if they are not comfortable with it, no matter what society thinks.

You aren't comfortable with the thought of trans people?  That's totally fine by me, I won't try to change your mind at all nor will I be upset.  Just promise to be nice to everyone, no matter what and I don't have a problem at all.

I don't understand gay men.  That doesn't make me a bad person, I just don't understand a lot of things within the entire human community, but I live by my own feelings that just because I don't understand you, doesn't mean I have to be mean.  I'm nice to everyone unless I'm given a specific reason not to be.  And people being derogatory to me is not a good enough reason, because those people can still turn around and have an epiphany later on and realize they were looking at things from a skewed angle.

I tend to ramble where this subject is concerned, and that's always why I just leave the subject alone...but I think I'll leave this one up :)

Out of this entire thing, the one thing I'd say focus on is this:  There are nearly 7 billion people on this Earth at this moment, and they are all living as complex and intricate lives as your own.

To me, that's all I need to remember.  The moment I feel alone or that people are suffocating me, I remember that...there are 7 billion other people on this planet living lives as complex and intricate as mine.  In the scheme of things, that makes my struggle beyond miniscule and keeps me going.
I'm living my life to please myself :)

And maybe please your mother.  OOOOOOOOOhhhhh

God I'm sorry I couldn't do it, I made it to the very end and I COULDN'T KEEP SERIOUS!!