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I've decided to blog publicly today (after quite an absence) about what is going on in my life.
I currently can hear all the coworkers stalking on my page doing pretty much this:
And for the most part, I'm okay with it. Why? Because it's time to TEACH, motherfuckers!
As many people know (in my personal and also many in my work life) but not particularly anyone that follows this blog with any type of wild abandon, I am transgender.
Whoa, hold the phone there, Romeo...what word did I just throw out into your vocabulary?
Psychological shit aside, you know when you hear dudes guffaw and go "Shit, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!" and they all high five, then belch and fart and smash beer cans against their heads? It's like that, but not being a lesbian or farting after...okay so there's farting, I'M A HUMAN BEING! IT'S A NATURAL THING!
Simply put, in my case at least, I am a male trapped in a female's body.
"oh shit, son!" you reply "that's some sci-fi weekly bullshit right there!" No no, it's normal...well...I think it's normal but I'm a bit biased, as I'm living through it.
"So you wanna be a dude or something?"
Noooo, I am a dude...I just was thrown up into the wrong body, home skillets.
"but you're a chick, so you wanna be a dude."
This is where I usually take the moment to just react and forget everything and walk away:
No, but honestly. I'd like to explain from my side here what's going on. I understand that it's kind of awkward, that's why I'm very laid back about it. SURE I get upset internally when someone calls me a chick or calls me by my birth name, but for fuck sake, that's what everyone learned me by, so I can't really fault anyone for accidentally slipping up. Now, if someone calls me by the name I've chosen, but says it condescendingly, then I want anyone to know that thinks of doing that, I've already mentally killed you 300 different ways, each more glorious and gruesome than the last.
Why do you think I'm smiling all the time? haaaa.
So here's the deal. Growing up, it never hit me that I wanted to be a boy. Deep inside I knew, and I know I acted in ways that might have been a big 'red flag' so to speak. I hated dresses, I hated playing house, inside it made me want to barf and throw sharp pointy objects at people.
I was labeled a "tom boy" and everyone rolled with it.
I think there's this horrid stigma attached to the trans* community, and it's that we're all into some freakish cross dressing sex ring and prostituting ourselves out for crystal meth or something.
(I would also like to take this moment before getting hit by backlash to say, I find nothing wrong at all with cross dressing, just using it in the example).
Believe me, I wouldn't have just woke up one morning and poured me a bowl of cereal, picked up the paper and then said, "goodness...you know what? I think I'm going to change sexes today. Yes, in fact, I think I'll get started on that. I want to go through the mental exhaustion of going to therapists and doing hormone therapy, and surgeries, only to cut my already sad existence for chances in the dating pool down to damn near 0%...yes this sounds like it'll be a fun time."
I can't honestly describe a perspective so that it'll make sense in a way. I'm physically female, I was born that way. Inside though, I'm male. What I'm doing now, is simply making my body match my head and heart. I have guys ask me "DUDE, what are girls thinking?" and my honest reaction is "Do you THINK I know?? If I knew what women wanted, I'd have a girlfriend! I'm as lost as you are, dude!"
I've already started therapy, soon I'll hopefully get a letter and start my little trudge towards starting hormones. Here's another fun fact...I'm deathly afraid of needles. And I'm supposed to learn how to give myself a shot every other week. Please tell me I chose this hahaha.
I'm having to do a lot to make myself okay with this. I've held off for over 10 years, locked down by the fear of how I'd be perceived by others. I've reached the point, where discomfort in society has taken a back seat to the discomfort inside of myself. I've had to grow up and tell myself, move the fuck forward and make yourself happy. Stand up for myself and do this.
There are many...many of us out here in the world, and all we want is to be ourselves. We are not trying to force an agenda down anyone's throat, we're just simply asking for basic respect to our wishes. Do I want all of you to all go pick up a sign and support trans* issues? Hell no, I don't. I just want people to stop "Correcting" other people when someone calls me by the name I go by, and tell them I'm lying to people.
I'm not lying, I have been lying for 10 years, I'm now being truthful.
The reason I decided to blog about it, is because SO many trans* people start their journey with the end goal being "stealth". To get to a point that they pass so fluidly in society, that nobody would know they used to be another gender.
And while I aspire for that, I know that there are many out there who need something to read, something to explain. Something to look at and know they are not alone. So, I've decided with myself...to try and teach, as best as I can, from my point of view.
So here's the thing. I'm transgender, the end result is I'll become a transexual (which also has a negative stigma added to it). The only difference between those two words really...is surgery. Do I want to tote these fun bags around for the rest of my life? Good god, no. I haven't wanted these things since they showed up, you think they'd get the hint and just...migrate to Dolly Parton or something.
I'll continue this blog as I have been, with the poems and the comedy stuff I've always written (although sporadically) but also as a way to keep up with what's going on with this whole dealio in case anyone should stumble upon it and ...need it? I don't know.
I'm a shy person by nature. I know most people that know me would say otherwise, as I tend to talk a lot once I warm up, but it's usually very superficial conversation. I'm terrified to correct people, or to explain about myself is someone asks. I clam up and freeze if asked. You never know a person's reaction to anything, I'm always prepared for the worst.
I'm not looking for advocates either to stand up for me. I'll let people continue 'correcting' others, and calling me 'she' and my legal birth name, I just simply remind them that they're going to feel a bit silly when I have facial hair and a deep voice and they're telling someone I'm a she.
I can't force anyone to change, I don't want to force my life upon anyone and make them uncomfortable. But until I can move away to where nobody knows me, this is going to be my life for now.
I actually went way off my intended thought for this post, but that's okay, I'm sure I'll post something more relevant to my original thoughts later.
I do have one thing to say before I end this, regarding anyone who has been at the mercy of religious hostility for being trans*
I don't prescribe to any one religion. Always remember, that those who judge you are not meant to judge you. Never let their words impact you. Human beings are flawed creatures and swayed heavily to interpretation. You and I could read the same sentence and pull different meaning from it. It's what makes the human race so great, it is also what make the human race so disgustingly vile.
I have been told by people that I'm going to hell for changing what god gave me. That I was made exactly how I am, because this is how god wanted me to be made, that by changing myself, I'm sinning and going against him. What people fail to realize is...I'm not dying and coming out of a coffin as a zombie. I am still me. Always remember that. You will always have the same soul, no matter what you look like on the outside. :)
Ah god, here I was thinking of the children again and trying to help them...
So, there you have it. Feel free to ask any questions, even if you know me in real life...it's sometimes easier to ask something through text.
I also will warn that I will heavily monitor the comments on this post and others like it, and remove any hateful speech. This little plot of land is the Land of Teffytopia, and I don't dig hateful shit, yo...I'll can your ass.
Get it? Can? Like a trash can? Delete button? ...whatever...
Ask questions, send me a message, leave a comment, whatever. I'll try to get back to people or answer them in entries.
wtf kind of moth is that??