Stool Sample

Guys, I'm about to give to you an actual dream I had...Sometimes I have dreams in third person, like I'm watching a movie.  The one I'm about to share with you is just so unbelievably ridiculous that in my dream, I was watching all this unspeakable and embarrassing horror happen to me and was sitting there cracking up until I couldn't breathe...it was like I was watching a fucking comedy movie...AT MY OWN EXPENSE LOL

I have to be very clear first, that I don't hardly ever have dreams like this...in fact, I've gone from sheer horrible nightmares to dreams of this nature:

And no, I did not go 'look up some random porn' for this image.  It's from Battlestar Galactica...she's one of the Cylons.

So yeah, super hot n smexy dreams.

This was absolutely not one of those.  For two reasons I will not share my super hot and smexy dreams.
1.  I've never really shared anything of a sexual nature, except on another more private blog and that post is now private.
2.  MORE FUN FOR ME! BUAHAHAHA

No this dream is at the complete opposite spectrum of dreaming.

Involving shit.

Now, when you read that, you had 1 of maybe 4 reactions:

1.  

2. 

3. 

4. 

^^^ I put option #4 because I immediately for some reason thought that that would be the reaction of Leslie.


I get it, why in the world would I tell you about a dream I had, that is obviously humiliating, and involving shit?  Because it was FUCKING HILARIOUS to me, that's why!!!

Plus you are all my family!

I adore you!

I want to share all of my embarrassments with you!

Also, my therapist tells me that you all must laugh with me so it's not just me being detrimental to myself!!

SO!!!!!!





For some reason in this dream, the glorious corporation of walmart had decided to implement some policy requiring the employees to give stool samples.

And I know, I should have known right then it was a dream...but come on...it's walmart, it's possible.

So I'm standing here and we're confused...what in the world?  We're supposed to what...shit in a cup for them?  OH NO they say, No no no, not here.  So what...go to a facility and try to shit in a cup? NO NO NO!  You are to go home, and collect your sample and bring it back to work for them to send off.

We were then given cups and sent home.  Well in my dream, when the big bang theory suddened upon me (As big bang theories often do) My cup had mysteriously vanished.  And I had to go...I mean, in my dream...I had to shit in the worst of ways.  And when I say in the worst of ways, it was in the worst of ways...like a midget at a concert in the 5th row needing platform shoes in the worst of ways.

I was tearing my house apart and it got to DEFCON 1 levels of needing to go, so in my dream I said "FUCK IT" grabbed a tupperware bowl, scooted to the bathroom and shit in it.

...do you guys realize I'm letting ALL of you read this blog post?  It's completely PUBLIC which means ANYONE and EVERYONE can see it, including the lady I REALLY fancy...I need to like...make myself look not so bat-shit crazy for a second




*starts singing* ♪♫Allll this shit could beeeee...paaaaaaaart ooof yourrrr wooooooorrrrrlllddddddd.♪♫

xD

BREAK TIME OVER!

So,  I'm looking at this epic shit snake in this big ass tupperware bowl and I'm thinking to myself "oh for fuck sake, that's too much..."  and contemplate trying to find a way to knock half of it in the toilet.  Then realize that if I do that, when I turn it in, some smart ass lab tech at "Check Yo' Shit Lab Incorporated" will go "DUDE this fucker cut the turd in half!  BUUAAHHAHHAHAHAAA"

So I put a lid on this monstrosity and put the tupperware bowl into a big brown paper sack.  I don't want it looking at me, and I don't want to accidentally look at it.

I start heading to where I'm supposed to take this abomination.  And in my dream I was pissed because these are new tupperware bowls...REALLY?? Of all the old ones I have that I can't quite get the kind of red sauced tint that's been microwaved into them off, I had to grab the pristine, crystal clear one and shit Thor's illegitimate child into it?

I'm honestly starting to think I threw Ariel into the mix a little too early...She won't be able to save me at this point lol.

The drawback to this, was it was like everyone got hit by the same shit bomb at the same time, so now there was standstill traffic (this was my brain assuming walmart actually had a legitimate sized staff that it'd cause a traffic jam..oh..you crazy brain you..)

I get stuck on the bridge by my house, and this thing was considered "unsafe" in the 2001 inspection...so my brain decides to go "WELL HEY it could collapse!"

BAM

Suddenly the bridge collapses in my dream and we're all in the lake, busting out of our cars and finding stuff to float on, now it's suddenly dusk and then DARK.

Rescue would take hours.

WHAT??  We're in the fucking CITY! SURROUNDED by apartments and complexes!!

No...RESCUE WOULD TAKE HOURS

It was then I realized that my brain decided to take it to new levels of horror by switching everyone out in the water with average joes.  Not my coworkers, but normal every day people.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, my giant ass tupperware bowl floats to the surface.

oh.my.god.

Someone jokes "Hey, dinner!"

"NO NO NO!" I swim towards it like a crazed maniac and grasp it and swim away.  Oh jesus, these people have NO idea what the hell is going on...oh GOD and I have now claimed the tupperware bowl as my property.  If they find out I SHIT in this giant tupperware bowl, I'm officially crazy.  SURE I could say it was for a stool sample, but WHY IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK is it in a giant tupperware bowl!!!

I know, I'll crack the lid, let it fill up with water...and it'll sink. taaadaaaa

crack the lid, it fills with water...sinks, the LID COMES OFF and up floats baby Thor.

Now keep in mind, I'm watching this from 3rd person.  While my little dream self is flipping the fuck out...I'm sitting on a little wooden raft about 10 feet away guffawing so hard I'm about to puke.

It's floating...of all the shits I've ever taken, and 1 in like 50 float...THIS one decides to FLOAT??  I get the brilliant idea...KNOCK IT INTO TINY PIECES!

So I did.

*more snorting and guffawing ensues...I then puke off the side of the raft and keep laughing*

Someone says "I found something I can light for light!"  and they set it on fire...someone says "Hey toss it to me, I found some wood I can light!"

They toss it, it misses, it lands in the water...on my chinese lantern procession of shit balls...and they ignite.

....my shit...is flammable??

People start swimming towards it, "HEY GRAB THOSE!!"

I then lost it and started just crying.

Other me proceeded to burst into higher levels of braying and laughing like a maniac.

I then woke up.





....If you made it that far...congratulations...you just read an Blog post about shit. hahaaa