Schism

A cross-post from OD. It was "Reader's Choice" and I think I finally feel like putting it in my more public blog.


I want to tell this boy it's alright.

There's a schism between his brain and heart. Spending the last few weeks hammering out your relationships to others and slowly realizing you were never the problem...you never were the problem when you tossed all the blame on yourself.

And then it hits...that thundering in your solar plexus, it makes you sick. Every fear you held on to, every lie you told yourself, every thing you did to tear yourself down and try to figure yourself out...it wasn't needed because it was never you that was the problem.

You tried. They didn't. The end.

If it were that simple the boy would be okay, but he doesn't realize that he's irreparably damaged...and it wasn't the others who damaged him the most...it was himself that did the most damage.

Being told you're not doing things right all your life and being made out to be an absolute fuck up, hear it long enough, and you become that...you become broken. Nothing you do is right, nothing you hear can change your mind otherwise. Even when you're doing it right, you don't think it's right.

You stop trusting people. You look for the hidden meanings in their words, yeah, they say you're a good person. yeah they say you are their friend. yeah, they say they like you...but why? what's the ulterior motive here? Where is the "but"...At what point do you let your guard down so they can attack you? One small fuck up for you becomes a raining down with fire, because they were right...you're a fuck up...you can't do anything right.

This boy walked out of a job because of it...simply because somebody said "it looks great, but not exactly what I was talking about."

Hate yourself enough, you become angry. You become angry enough, you become violent. You become violent, you realize this causes fear, and you fall into a niche...now they can't hurt you.

The day this boy walked away from the job, he sobbed and cried...had a panic attack and couldn't breathe...he felt 10 years old again and had been told how fucked up and wrong he was, that he'd never be able to do anything right and it all fell apart at once...first the hate, and then as he realized he was walking away from the one thing that he actually enjoyed doing, he became angry...by the time he reached the office to leave...the violence had manifested.

This boy broke windows, this boy caused people to run off in fear...and he felt invincible...they were scared, they couldn't hurt him anymore.

The problem with the people that try to tell you that you're okay is that they don't know what to do with a broken person. They wrap their arms around you like a large broken vase and try to hold the pieces together. My god do they try, and they love you so much and they try, but sometimes...holding an already broken vase together is just delaying the inevitable. The person who came to stop me loved me so much that they tried to keep the vase from shattering...wrapped their arms around me and tried to get me to stop, telling me I was okay and everything was okay.

Somebody who is broken, doesn't understand your words...especially if they're shattering to pieces...to them you're lying, you're humoring them, you're just trying to smooth things over until you can shatter them again. This boy broke to pieces and snapped, throwing punches and attacked the one person that wasn't afraid to try and stop him from shattering. And the other person god bless them...didn't stop. They didn't become afraid and run, they tried harder to keep him from shattering.

It didn't work.

This boy went through relationships where everything was happy on the outside, and for the most part on the inside...but deep down, he was constantly in fear. They were lying, they were secretly hating him. The last relationship this boy was in, he was absolutely convinced the one person that loved him was ashamed of him...and he hated that person for it. Was it true? Who knows...he never asked, he never brought it up...but he was so convinced of it...that it was true to him. He would never be good enough for this person, he would never do it right, and because of that, this person was ashamed of him and would never fully love him.

And then she walked away.

And he knew he was right. He could never be good enough for anyone, he wouldn't ever be able to do it right. He resigned himself to self loathing and started to crack...a broken person can continue to be broken, whether they know it or not...they can continue to be crushed and broken even when they don't think it's possible anymore. Little cracks all around, and one day...he shattered.

He fell to pieces all over the place and this time there was nobody to run up and try to keep him from shattering. Forever he walked around...completely broken. Surviving day to day with pieces of himself missing...convinced that this is just how it's going to be. He'd see all these pieces of himself lying around but was so broken he didn't understand why he should even try to put himself back together again...he'd just break again...

And then the unthinkable happened, somebody picked up a little piece of him and handed it back to him. And it wasn't a big piece...it was a very, very tiny...miniscule piece of himself. A piece even he didn't even see laying there...constantly overlooked a tiny piece of him. Then they picked up another piece, and another, and handed them back to him. They never tried to hold him together, they simply picked up pieces here and there, and handed them back to him...each one with a smile. There was no disappointment there that this boy had shattered, there was no look of aggravation that they were standing there picking up pieces of this boy...they were just happy to be handing this boy pieces of himself back.

The boy smiled. A real smile. Not a smile that you flash as a defense mechanism to keep things smooth...it was a real smile. It felt so weird to him, it felt so foreign that he was convinced he looked stupid as hell...but he couldn't help it...he couldn't make it go away.

then the schism happened. Don't trust this. There's an ulterior motive to this...you're being put back together to be dropped from the highest point again...to be shattered.

And then came the day the boy finally had to say "Stop". The thoughts will always be there...the important thing to remember is whether you listen to them or not. It's so hard not to listen to them when they're the loudest voice in your head...but the boy said stop...and he's trying so hard.

There's still very large pieces missing out of this boy, and they're scattered all across the ground. He's still broken, but bit by tiny bit, he's being put back together. He's having pieces handed back to him one by one, and he's replacing them where they should go. One day this boy will be whole...and he'll be happy.

There will always be visible cracks where he was put back together, but that's how life is...we all crack. We all break. We put ourselves back together and we break again. Some people hold us together and cause us more harm than just letting us shatter. Some come along when we least expect it and start picking us back up again...and even when you don't trust it at first...they continue to hand you pieces of yourself back again...
Then you trust them.

One day, this boy will be back together. And that puts a very big smile on my face....So I want to tell this boy that it's alright, you'll be okay...even though you don't fully see it yet...you will be okay.

there's going to be a small schism there forever, it just will be...that was a very large crack created your entire life...your way now is to bridge the gap...you will always wonder and worry and not understand why...but you must believe in yourself and know you will be okay.

Because there's someone that loves you enough that they'll pick up little tiny pieces of you and hand them back to you, and they don't care...they're just happy to see you smile.

You'll be okay there, you'll be okay one day...