Why I hate living in the south during winter (redux)

A little over a year ago, I wrote a blog post called "Why I hate living in the south during winter"

I was mostly complaining about the sheer idiocy that the smallest amount of snow brings out in Southerners and compared our weaker state mentality to those who lived in in snow riddled states.

This year took an unexpected turn, as a few days before Christmas, the weatherman laid this bombshell down upon us all:

Cue me going into straight up panic mode, as I awaited the absolute apocalypse that would come about from the people bum rushing the store for food.
There was only one problem...
Nobody believed him.

So nobody freaked out...whatever, there wasn't going to be snow...and if there was, the shock value of this "OMG SNOW Y'ALL!" had finally worn off after decades of hearing it and realizing this shit just does NOT happen here.
Then came Christmas day.

It was pouring down rain as I made it to my Mamaw's house for food.  Then the entire family showed up.  We had just finished eating, when I stepped outside with my mom, only to hear her say "OH!..."

We went back inside with the news, everyone gathered at the windows...OOOing and Awwwing at the "White Christmas".  Giggles were had and "It's so pretty!" and gathering the children around the windows to see snow for the first time.

I then made a slight observation:

This did not sit well with Mamaw, who quickly showed us what happens in these situations

We all quickly loaded into our vehicles...where we hit snag #1.  Power was already out at my sister's house.  I still had power so she came to my house.  We cut up and joked about the 'great snow storm' and pissed about on the internet...like you do.

A few hours later, she received a text from our mom that said "IT LOOKS LIKE A BLIZZARD OUTSIDE!"  We chuckled amongst ourselves "Oh, mom is just so adorable" and went about our business.  A little while later we got another one "DO YOU SEE IT??"

To humor our mom, we went to my front door to look out, just to send back that yes we saw it...

Holy SHIT!  There was snow EVERYWHERE!

And not like a dusting of it...NINE INCHES OF IT!  My sister was now stuck in my house with me, along with her three children.  My house is the equivalent size of a can of soup, they would have been more comfortable and had more room if they had decided to spend the night in a box of matches.

So now there are three very bored children, who want to play with their new Christmas toys, and are now stuck in a living room with just enough space that if one stopped too suddenly, there'd be an accidental mosh pit started.

It did not go so well.  Add on top of that, we don't really have any winter provisions for snow like this, so the roads got nasty and quick.  I stupidly thought it'd be melted by the next morning because hell it was 70 degrees the day before!

Oh no, there was actually MORE of it on the ground!  I stood on my porch babbling like a mad man "What the hell is this?? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?! NO!! NO!! NOOOOOO!!!"
I don't like snow!  I said in the last blog post if I wanted to be covered in snow, I would have moved to Colorado when I had the chance in 2007!  This wasn't going to end well either!  Here I am, surrounded by Southerners, who were now trying to gas their junk ass cars up an ice covered hill by my house...swerving back and forth and sliding.
I needed help!

 OH GOD!  The Raddie was in Puerto Rico for the holidays!  I can't get snow advice at all!!!

I can't even get the most effective way to kill these annoying bastards and HIDE them in the snow!!

This was bad, this was really bad.  Why?  Because this is THE SOUTH, THAT'S WHY!!!

I can see it now, once it clears up...a mob surrounding the weatherman for actually being right.  Dude can't catch a break here.
I can almost hear him shrieking "I ACTUALLY PREDICTED SNOW!! FUCK ME, RIGHT?!"

But then again, these people are set in their old ways...I can see  him being accused of witchcraft and being tossed into an incinerator for his ungodly ways of reading the skies.

I've missed so much work now...I'm not even planning on a paycheck.  Today though...TODAY!! The roads cleared up a bit to the point I knew I'd make it to work tomorrow!  But then...

......

It's gender dysphorically delicious!

I've decided to blog publicly today (after quite an absence) about what is going on in my life.

I currently can hear all the coworkers stalking on my page doing pretty much this:

And for the most part, I'm okay with it.  Why?  Because it's time to TEACH, motherfuckers!

As many people know (in my personal and also many in my work life) but not particularly anyone that follows this blog with any type of wild abandon, I am transgender.

Whoa, hold the phone there, Romeo...what word did I just throw out into your vocabulary?

Psychological shit aside, you know when you hear dudes guffaw and go "Shit, I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!" and they all high five, then belch and fart and smash beer cans against their heads?  It's like that, but not being a lesbian or farting after...okay so there's farting, I'M A HUMAN BEING!  IT'S A NATURAL THING!

Simply put, in my case at least, I am a male trapped in a female's body.

"oh shit, son!" you reply "that's some sci-fi weekly bullshit right there!"  No no, it's normal...well...I think it's normal but I'm a bit biased, as I'm living through it.

"So you wanna be a dude or something?"

Noooo, I am a dude...I just was thrown up into the wrong body, home skillets.

"but you're a chick, so you wanna be a dude."

This is where I usually take the moment to just react and forget everything and walk away:

No, but honestly.  I'd like to explain from my side here what's going on.  I understand that it's kind of awkward, that's why I'm very laid back about it.  SURE I get upset internally when someone calls me a chick or calls me by my birth name, but for fuck sake, that's what everyone learned me by, so I can't really fault anyone for accidentally slipping up.  Now, if someone calls me by the name I've chosen, but says it condescendingly, then I want anyone to know that thinks of doing that, I've already mentally killed you 300 different ways, each more glorious and gruesome than the last.

Why do you think I'm smiling all the time? haaaa.

So here's the deal.  Growing up, it never hit me that I wanted to be a boy.  Deep inside I knew, and I know I acted in ways that might have been a big 'red flag' so to speak.  I hated dresses, I hated playing house, inside it made me want to barf and throw sharp pointy objects at people.

I was labeled a "tom boy" and everyone rolled with it.

I think there's this horrid stigma attached to the trans* community, and it's that we're all into some freakish cross dressing sex ring and prostituting ourselves out for crystal meth or something.

(I would also like to take this moment before getting hit by backlash to say, I find nothing wrong at all with cross dressing, just using it in the example).

Believe me, I wouldn't have just woke up one morning and poured me a bowl of cereal, picked up the paper and then said, "goodness...you know what?  I think I'm going to change sexes today.  Yes, in fact, I think I'll get started on that.  I want to go through the mental exhaustion of going to therapists and doing hormone therapy, and surgeries, only to cut my already sad existence for chances in the dating pool down to damn near 0%...yes this sounds like it'll be a fun time."

I can't honestly describe a perspective so that it'll make sense in a way.  I'm physically female, I was born that way.  Inside though, I'm male.  What I'm doing now, is simply making my body match my head and heart.  I have guys ask me "DUDE, what are girls thinking?" and my honest reaction is "Do you THINK I know??  If I knew what women wanted, I'd have a girlfriend!  I'm as lost as you are, dude!"

I've already started therapy,  soon I'll hopefully get a letter and start my little trudge towards starting hormones.  Here's another fun fact...I'm deathly afraid of needles.  And I'm supposed to learn how to give myself a shot every other week.  Please tell me I chose this hahaha.

I'm having to do a lot to make myself okay with this.  I've held off for over 10 years, locked down by the fear of how I'd be perceived by others.  I've reached the point, where discomfort in society has taken a back seat to the discomfort inside of myself.  I've had to grow up and tell myself, move the fuck forward and make yourself happy.  Stand up for myself and do this.

There are many...many of us out here in the world, and all we want is to be ourselves.  We are not trying to force an agenda down anyone's throat, we're just simply asking for basic respect to our wishes.  Do I want all of you to all go pick up a sign and support trans* issues?  Hell no, I don't.  I just want people to stop "Correcting" other people when someone calls me by the name I go by, and tell them I'm lying to people.

I'm not lying, I have been lying for 10 years, I'm now being truthful.

The reason I decided to blog about it, is because SO many trans* people start their journey with the end goal being "stealth".  To get to a point that they pass so fluidly in society, that nobody would know they used to be another gender.

And while I aspire for that, I know that there are many out there who need something to read, something to explain.  Something to look at and know they are not alone.  So, I've decided with myself...to try and teach, as best as I can, from my point of view.

So here's the thing.  I'm transgender, the end result is I'll become a transexual (which also has a negative stigma added to it).  The only difference between those two words really...is surgery.  Do I want to tote these fun bags around for the rest of my life?  Good god, no.  I haven't wanted these things since they showed up, you think they'd get the hint and just...migrate to Dolly Parton or something.

I'll continue this blog as I have been, with the poems and the comedy stuff I've always written (although sporadically) but also as a way to keep up with what's going on with this whole dealio in case anyone should stumble upon it and ...need it?  I don't know.

I'm  a shy person by nature.  I know most people that know me would say otherwise, as I tend to talk a lot once I warm up, but it's usually very superficial conversation.  I'm terrified to correct people, or to explain about myself is someone asks.  I clam up and freeze if asked.  You never know a person's reaction to anything, I'm always prepared for the worst.

I'm not looking for advocates either to stand up for me.  I'll let people continue 'correcting' others, and calling me 'she' and my legal birth name, I just simply remind them that they're going to feel a bit silly when I have facial hair and a deep voice and they're telling someone I'm a she.  

I can't force anyone to change, I don't want to force my life upon anyone and make them uncomfortable.  But until I can move away to where nobody knows me, this is going to be my life for now.

I actually went way off my intended thought for this post, but that's okay, I'm sure I'll post something more relevant to my original thoughts later.  

I do have one thing to say before I end this, regarding anyone who has been at the mercy of religious hostility for being trans*

I don't prescribe to any one religion.  Always remember, that those who judge you are not meant to judge you.  Never let their words impact you.  Human beings are flawed creatures and swayed heavily to interpretation.  You and I could read the same sentence and pull different meaning from it.  It's what makes the human race so great, it is also what make the human race so disgustingly vile.

I have been told by people that I'm going to hell for changing what god gave me.  That I was made exactly how I am, because this is how god wanted me to be made, that by changing myself, I'm sinning and going against him.  What people fail to realize is...I'm not dying and coming out of a coffin as a zombie.  I am still me.  Always remember that.  You will always have the same soul, no matter what you look like on the outside. :)

Ah god, here I was thinking of the children again and trying to help them...

So, there you have it.  Feel free to ask any questions, even if you know me in real life...it's sometimes easier to ask something through text.

I also will warn that I will heavily monitor the comments on this post and others like it, and remove any hateful speech.  This little plot of land is the Land of Teffytopia, and I don't dig hateful shit, yo...I'll can your ass.

Get it?  Can?  Like a trash can?  Delete button?  ...whatever...

Ask questions, send me a message, leave a comment, whatever.  I'll try to get back to people or answer them in entries.

Let's talk about 'dongs' (NSFW)

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John Wayne ain't got Mothin' on me...

I'd like to share an event in my life that happened.

There was a moth inside of my shower.

"Now, hang on a second.  A MOTH was inside of your shower??   You're absolutely right, Teffy...this is a life changing event for all mankind.  In fact,  hundreds of years from now, they'll discover servers buried and start recovering data to see what us uncivilized people were like and this epic battle of a moth in the shower SHOULD be in the history books of the future.  Seriously, a moth??"

Yes, dear readers...a moth.

"But I mean, it's not like a spider was in your shower...that warrants mentioning...but a moth??"

Yes...a moth.

I shall now share the transcript of the transpiring of this moth in my shower.  I've condensed it and cut bits to save for time and space.

Did ANYONE else have flashbacks to the mid 90s and watching movies on TV?  "This movie has been edited for time"

Teffy: I know you're not on, but there's this MUTANT moth in my shower, and it's HUGE!  If when you come back I'm gone and then some days later they find me dead with no cause...let them know there was a mutant moth...it probably did it.   :\  I need to take a pic of this damn thing...it's creepy...

*some time later*  We had been casually chatting (as I was still miraculously alive as she returned) and The Ex had randomly out of nowhere texted me to say she was almost at my house and was swinging by.  Star Fox got me to laughing and me being sick, it caused me to start coughing.

Teffy:  I'm going to suffocate to death and it'll be your fault.  if the mutant moth doesn't kill me, you will.

Star Fox: MOTHRA!

Teffy:  DUDE I need to take a pic of it, it's the freakiest looking moth ever, it's got these jagged wings and he's holding them UP

Star Fox:  He's all, 'Come at me, Bro!' ... "I'm gonna eat your face faster than 5 cashmere sweaters!"

Teffy: HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......dude, now I'm terrified.

Star Fox:  Retard...go catch him in something and let him go outside so he doesn't die in your shower...poor guy.

Teffy: lol he's huge!

Star Fox: and?

*I then had to go because le ex had show up* *a little while later*

Teffy: LOL I started laughing just now when I went into the bathroom and yelled at the moth "COME AT ME, BRO!!!" you have ruined me x)

Star Fox: lol

Teffy:   wtf kind of moth is that??

Star Fox:  That's a big fucking moth :)  That's what kind it is.  Now put it in something and go set it free so it doesn't die in there.

Teffy:  *sigh* *grabs RIDICULOUSLY HUGE CUP*

Star Fox: lol

*some time passes*

Teffy:  Omg I cannot make up what just happened...

Star Fox: lol

Teffy:  So that moth was ultra chill, like...I scooped him up and he was all 'whatever' and I tried to tip him out of the cup outside and he wouldn't come out.  So I started tapping the cup and he wouldn't come out.

Star Fox: ooook?  did he suddenly come out and attack your face like 5 cashmere sweaters? lol

Teffy: So I walked to the edge of the deck and lightly knocked the cup on the side and he fell out...right onto one of those little green lizards that turn brown ROFL and he was still chillin and now stuck to the lizard and the lizard took off running up and down the post.  It looks like a weird moth cowboy out there.  Maybe he's attacking the lizard like 5 cashmere sweaters.

Star Fox: Maybe he was sayin, "YEEEE HAWWWWWW"

Teffy:  All I heard was ".........................." x)

Star Fox:  Did he start spurring the lizard?  with his little moth spurs?

Teffy: I couldn't see through the tears lol

Star Fox:  did he hold his hat in the air with the tip of his little wing? lol

Teffy: oh my god...BUAHAHAHAHA *new etsy shop idea* "COWBOY HATS FOR MOTHS AND OTHER SMALL INSECTS"

Star Fox:  the poor lizard thought he done had it!

Teffy: HAHAAA

Star Fox: lizard is like "OH MYYYYY GGGAAWWWDDDD IM GONNAA DIIIEEEEEE"

Teffy: "YEEEHAAAAAAAAW LIL CRITTER, GET ALONG LIL DOGGIE!"

Star Fox: Yes siree bob

*some time passes*

Teffy: I'm going to make you a picture x)

Star Fox: oooook lol


A little while later, I uploaded the illustration of 'what just happened'

 And that's the story of the moth in my shower :).

Cycles

...She stands up from the ground.  There is the unbelievable pain from her wings.  Frozen, and yet burned.
 
Dutifully, she straightens up...and spreads her wings.  Silver and wide, when brand new, had a gleam about them that had ordinary men avert their eyes.

Truly if Angels or Faeries or any Winged beings could become goddesses, she would be the first. 

Nobody could tell now as she stood erect, tattered and beaten.  But still, with determination hard in her eyes, she stands erect.

Her wings spread wide, she lunges.

Up into the sky she bursts with such speed and might, that whirlwinds are cast below in the dust, creating storms of dirt and wind.

Her eyes remain focused ahead, to the stars...the heavens...the cosmos.  She passes the clouds and outstretches her arms, embracing the wind around her.

The heavens begin to glow with such light that she cannot contain the smile, her lips break free from their loving grasp of each other and release an ivory smile that has longed to escape.

She spreads her fingers wide, like a small child seeing a beautiful toy for the first time, she wants a touch...and reaches forwards towards the heavens.

The Ice begins to form the edges of her wings and begins to burn.  Her Ivory smile becomes a determined snarl as she pushes forward with more effort, tears streaming down her face and freezing on her chin.

She reaches the edge of the boundary, only breached by technology and machines created by men.  She thrusts forward and begins to burn. 

Her entire body arcs back as the flames engulf her and destroy her wings, and while almost heavenward, she falls back towards the Earth. 

Her fall came quickly, the impact, devastating.  She lay weeping as her body healed.
She stands up from the ground.  There is the unbelievable pain from her wings.  Frozen, and yet burned.

Dutifully, she straightens up...and spreads her wings.  Silver and wide, when brand new, had a gleam about them that had ordinary men avert their eyes.

Truly if Angels or Faeries or any Winged beings could become goddesses, she would be the first.
 
Nobody could tell now as she stood erect, tattered and beaten.  But still, with determination hard in her eyes, she stands erect.

Her wings spread wide, she lunges......

Stool Sample

Guys, I'm about to give to you an actual dream I had...Sometimes I have dreams in third person, like I'm watching a movie.  The one I'm about to share with you is just so unbelievably ridiculous that in my dream, I was watching all this unspeakable and embarrassing horror happen to me and was sitting there cracking up until I couldn't breathe...it was like I was watching a fucking comedy movie...AT MY OWN EXPENSE LOL

I have to be very clear first, that I don't hardly ever have dreams like this...in fact, I've gone from sheer horrible nightmares to dreams of this nature:

And no, I did not go 'look up some random porn' for this image.  It's from Battlestar Galactica...she's one of the Cylons.

So yeah, super hot n smexy dreams.

This was absolutely not one of those.  For two reasons I will not share my super hot and smexy dreams.
1.  I've never really shared anything of a sexual nature, except on another more private blog and that post is now private.
2.  MORE FUN FOR ME! BUAHAHAHA

No this dream is at the complete opposite spectrum of dreaming.

Involving shit.

Now, when you read that, you had 1 of maybe 4 reactions:

1.  

2. 

3. 

4. 

^^^ I put option #4 because I immediately for some reason thought that that would be the reaction of Leslie.


I get it, why in the world would I tell you about a dream I had, that is obviously humiliating, and involving shit?  Because it was FUCKING HILARIOUS to me, that's why!!!

Plus you are all my family!

I adore you!

I want to share all of my embarrassments with you!

Also, my therapist tells me that you all must laugh with me so it's not just me being detrimental to myself!!

SO!!!!!!





For some reason in this dream, the glorious corporation of walmart had decided to implement some policy requiring the employees to give stool samples.

And I know, I should have known right then it was a dream...but come on...it's walmart, it's possible.

So I'm standing here and we're confused...what in the world?  We're supposed to what...shit in a cup for them?  OH NO they say, No no no, not here.  So what...go to a facility and try to shit in a cup? NO NO NO!  You are to go home, and collect your sample and bring it back to work for them to send off.

We were then given cups and sent home.  Well in my dream, when the big bang theory suddened upon me (As big bang theories often do) My cup had mysteriously vanished.  And I had to go...I mean, in my dream...I had to shit in the worst of ways.  And when I say in the worst of ways, it was in the worst of ways...like a midget at a concert in the 5th row needing platform shoes in the worst of ways.

I was tearing my house apart and it got to DEFCON 1 levels of needing to go, so in my dream I said "FUCK IT" grabbed a tupperware bowl, scooted to the bathroom and shit in it.

...do you guys realize I'm letting ALL of you read this blog post?  It's completely PUBLIC which means ANYONE and EVERYONE can see it, including the lady I REALLY fancy...I need to like...make myself look not so bat-shit crazy for a second




*starts singing* ♪♫Allll this shit could beeeee...paaaaaaaart ooof yourrrr wooooooorrrrrlllddddddd.♪♫

xD

BREAK TIME OVER!

So,  I'm looking at this epic shit snake in this big ass tupperware bowl and I'm thinking to myself "oh for fuck sake, that's too much..."  and contemplate trying to find a way to knock half of it in the toilet.  Then realize that if I do that, when I turn it in, some smart ass lab tech at "Check Yo' Shit Lab Incorporated" will go "DUDE this fucker cut the turd in half!  BUUAAHHAHHAHAHAAA"

So I put a lid on this monstrosity and put the tupperware bowl into a big brown paper sack.  I don't want it looking at me, and I don't want to accidentally look at it.

I start heading to where I'm supposed to take this abomination.  And in my dream I was pissed because these are new tupperware bowls...REALLY?? Of all the old ones I have that I can't quite get the kind of red sauced tint that's been microwaved into them off, I had to grab the pristine, crystal clear one and shit Thor's illegitimate child into it?

I'm honestly starting to think I threw Ariel into the mix a little too early...She won't be able to save me at this point lol.

The drawback to this, was it was like everyone got hit by the same shit bomb at the same time, so now there was standstill traffic (this was my brain assuming walmart actually had a legitimate sized staff that it'd cause a traffic jam..oh..you crazy brain you..)

I get stuck on the bridge by my house, and this thing was considered "unsafe" in the 2001 inspection...so my brain decides to go "WELL HEY it could collapse!"

BAM

Suddenly the bridge collapses in my dream and we're all in the lake, busting out of our cars and finding stuff to float on, now it's suddenly dusk and then DARK.

Rescue would take hours.

WHAT??  We're in the fucking CITY! SURROUNDED by apartments and complexes!!

No...RESCUE WOULD TAKE HOURS

It was then I realized that my brain decided to take it to new levels of horror by switching everyone out in the water with average joes.  Not my coworkers, but normal every day people.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, my giant ass tupperware bowl floats to the surface.

oh.my.god.

Someone jokes "Hey, dinner!"

"NO NO NO!" I swim towards it like a crazed maniac and grasp it and swim away.  Oh jesus, these people have NO idea what the hell is going on...oh GOD and I have now claimed the tupperware bowl as my property.  If they find out I SHIT in this giant tupperware bowl, I'm officially crazy.  SURE I could say it was for a stool sample, but WHY IN THE EVER LOVING FUCK is it in a giant tupperware bowl!!!

I know, I'll crack the lid, let it fill up with water...and it'll sink. taaadaaaa

crack the lid, it fills with water...sinks, the LID COMES OFF and up floats baby Thor.

Now keep in mind, I'm watching this from 3rd person.  While my little dream self is flipping the fuck out...I'm sitting on a little wooden raft about 10 feet away guffawing so hard I'm about to puke.

It's floating...of all the shits I've ever taken, and 1 in like 50 float...THIS one decides to FLOAT??  I get the brilliant idea...KNOCK IT INTO TINY PIECES!

So I did.

*more snorting and guffawing ensues...I then puke off the side of the raft and keep laughing*

Someone says "I found something I can light for light!"  and they set it on fire...someone says "Hey toss it to me, I found some wood I can light!"

They toss it, it misses, it lands in the water...on my chinese lantern procession of shit balls...and they ignite.

....my shit...is flammable??

People start swimming towards it, "HEY GRAB THOSE!!"

I then lost it and started just crying.

Other me proceeded to burst into higher levels of braying and laughing like a maniac.

I then woke up.





....If you made it that far...congratulations...you just read an Blog post about shit. hahaaa

Schism

A cross-post from OD. It was "Reader's Choice" and I think I finally feel like putting it in my more public blog.


I want to tell this boy it's alright.

There's a schism between his brain and heart. Spending the last few weeks hammering out your relationships to others and slowly realizing you were never the problem...you never were the problem when you tossed all the blame on yourself.

And then it hits...that thundering in your solar plexus, it makes you sick. Every fear you held on to, every lie you told yourself, every thing you did to tear yourself down and try to figure yourself out...it wasn't needed because it was never you that was the problem.

You tried. They didn't. The end.

If it were that simple the boy would be okay, but he doesn't realize that he's irreparably damaged...and it wasn't the others who damaged him the most...it was himself that did the most damage.

Being told you're not doing things right all your life and being made out to be an absolute fuck up, hear it long enough, and you become that...you become broken. Nothing you do is right, nothing you hear can change your mind otherwise. Even when you're doing it right, you don't think it's right.

You stop trusting people. You look for the hidden meanings in their words, yeah, they say you're a good person. yeah they say you are their friend. yeah, they say they like you...but why? what's the ulterior motive here? Where is the "but"...At what point do you let your guard down so they can attack you? One small fuck up for you becomes a raining down with fire, because they were right...you're a fuck up...you can't do anything right.

This boy walked out of a job because of it...simply because somebody said "it looks great, but not exactly what I was talking about."

Hate yourself enough, you become angry. You become angry enough, you become violent. You become violent, you realize this causes fear, and you fall into a niche...now they can't hurt you.

The day this boy walked away from the job, he sobbed and cried...had a panic attack and couldn't breathe...he felt 10 years old again and had been told how fucked up and wrong he was, that he'd never be able to do anything right and it all fell apart at once...first the hate, and then as he realized he was walking away from the one thing that he actually enjoyed doing, he became angry...by the time he reached the office to leave...the violence had manifested.

This boy broke windows, this boy caused people to run off in fear...and he felt invincible...they were scared, they couldn't hurt him anymore.

The problem with the people that try to tell you that you're okay is that they don't know what to do with a broken person. They wrap their arms around you like a large broken vase and try to hold the pieces together. My god do they try, and they love you so much and they try, but sometimes...holding an already broken vase together is just delaying the inevitable. The person who came to stop me loved me so much that they tried to keep the vase from shattering...wrapped their arms around me and tried to get me to stop, telling me I was okay and everything was okay.

Somebody who is broken, doesn't understand your words...especially if they're shattering to pieces...to them you're lying, you're humoring them, you're just trying to smooth things over until you can shatter them again. This boy broke to pieces and snapped, throwing punches and attacked the one person that wasn't afraid to try and stop him from shattering. And the other person god bless them...didn't stop. They didn't become afraid and run, they tried harder to keep him from shattering.

It didn't work.

This boy went through relationships where everything was happy on the outside, and for the most part on the inside...but deep down, he was constantly in fear. They were lying, they were secretly hating him. The last relationship this boy was in, he was absolutely convinced the one person that loved him was ashamed of him...and he hated that person for it. Was it true? Who knows...he never asked, he never brought it up...but he was so convinced of it...that it was true to him. He would never be good enough for this person, he would never do it right, and because of that, this person was ashamed of him and would never fully love him.

And then she walked away.

And he knew he was right. He could never be good enough for anyone, he wouldn't ever be able to do it right. He resigned himself to self loathing and started to crack...a broken person can continue to be broken, whether they know it or not...they can continue to be crushed and broken even when they don't think it's possible anymore. Little cracks all around, and one day...he shattered.

He fell to pieces all over the place and this time there was nobody to run up and try to keep him from shattering. Forever he walked around...completely broken. Surviving day to day with pieces of himself missing...convinced that this is just how it's going to be. He'd see all these pieces of himself lying around but was so broken he didn't understand why he should even try to put himself back together again...he'd just break again...

And then the unthinkable happened, somebody picked up a little piece of him and handed it back to him. And it wasn't a big piece...it was a very, very tiny...miniscule piece of himself. A piece even he didn't even see laying there...constantly overlooked a tiny piece of him. Then they picked up another piece, and another, and handed them back to him. They never tried to hold him together, they simply picked up pieces here and there, and handed them back to him...each one with a smile. There was no disappointment there that this boy had shattered, there was no look of aggravation that they were standing there picking up pieces of this boy...they were just happy to be handing this boy pieces of himself back.

The boy smiled. A real smile. Not a smile that you flash as a defense mechanism to keep things smooth...it was a real smile. It felt so weird to him, it felt so foreign that he was convinced he looked stupid as hell...but he couldn't help it...he couldn't make it go away.

then the schism happened. Don't trust this. There's an ulterior motive to this...you're being put back together to be dropped from the highest point again...to be shattered.

And then came the day the boy finally had to say "Stop". The thoughts will always be there...the important thing to remember is whether you listen to them or not. It's so hard not to listen to them when they're the loudest voice in your head...but the boy said stop...and he's trying so hard.

There's still very large pieces missing out of this boy, and they're scattered all across the ground. He's still broken, but bit by tiny bit, he's being put back together. He's having pieces handed back to him one by one, and he's replacing them where they should go. One day this boy will be whole...and he'll be happy.

There will always be visible cracks where he was put back together, but that's how life is...we all crack. We all break. We put ourselves back together and we break again. Some people hold us together and cause us more harm than just letting us shatter. Some come along when we least expect it and start picking us back up again...and even when you don't trust it at first...they continue to hand you pieces of yourself back again...
Then you trust them.

One day, this boy will be back together. And that puts a very big smile on my face....So I want to tell this boy that it's alright, you'll be okay...even though you don't fully see it yet...you will be okay.

there's going to be a small schism there forever, it just will be...that was a very large crack created your entire life...your way now is to bridge the gap...you will always wonder and worry and not understand why...but you must believe in yourself and know you will be okay.

Because there's someone that loves you enough that they'll pick up little tiny pieces of you and hand them back to you, and they don't care...they're just happy to see you smile.

You'll be okay there, you'll be okay one day...