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I drive an Aztek
Ohhh yeh, look at that baby. It's a "Camping Vehicle"
That's right...you can make a tent out of it!
Unfortunately...mine is green.
Let me tell you how rare the Green Aztek is. I once pulled into CiCis and was suddenly surrounded by a Red, a Yellow, and an Orange Aztek. They were shortly joined by more which were white, black, maroon, and blue.
Apparently, there is a "Pontiac Aztek Appreciation Club" They took photos of my beat up UFO-Tek (as I call it) because they had "never seen a green one before."
So I googled it, and came up with only a few pictures before it went straight to "UHHM I can't find anymore green...here's yellow!"
It's not even that remotely "cool" looking either. No...see that's a bright, vibrant green.
And I don't understand why the driver of that car did so much WORK to make that thing look...MORE like a UFO when the green ones just kinda scream UFO anyway.
That...green... Think it's just an unflattering Angle?
Nah, it's just kinda ugly all around.
I adore/HATE my Aztek.
Adore because it's really an awesome car. I hate it because when they made them they completely changed the product from the original concept.
Still looks like a UFO...but...uuaah! I like that!
They changed the entire layout, but did nothing else to the INNER workings of the car. So anyone with an Aztek, dreadfully knows the words "Disco Effect"
See, they all have faulty Body Control Modules. The BCM controls everything electrical in the car, thus creating electrical problems, until they all mount up into a "Disco Effect" where the lights are strobing and the horn is honking, and the locks lock/unlock in a particular pulse...simply because the BCM cannot control the electrical equipment. I've been on the receiving end of a disco effect, and let me tell you, driving 20 minutes in the dark, with dinging and *Click*click*click* pulsing and lights strobing is NOT ideal and CAN get you pulled over.
Problem 2? You replace the BCM, but the only BCM is the same one...so eventually...it's gonna happen again. Mine's starting to do it again, hence the brake light going off at random and just dinging.
Although, I just found out that while I spent $800 getting it repaired (and also just found out the bastards put a used one in it, because that's what causes the radio to lock itself). You can replace it for $145. I was thinking it was some epic horrible journey under the hood, it turns out, that you just have to move the console back, remove the ice chest--
What? remove the ice chest???
Oh yeah, Azteks don't have a center console, they have an empty spot for a removable ice chest.
Camping vehicle and such. Anyway, you just take that out and pull back and it pulls forward like an awesome file cabinet and BOOM there's the BCM, there's three wires you unhook, unlatch it, and hook in the new one.
Teffy's got this when this one bites the dust!
My entire point to the start of this entry is that since it's a "Camping" vehicle, and it has that nifty little ice chest, there lies a problem if you don't put it in the car.
Or you get the car second-hand and it doesn't even have one.
There's a CONSIDERABLE gap of NOTHING.
I can't find a picture without it...dear god, let me go take a picture of mine. Warning, my car is DISGUSTING, but you'll get the idea.
no...no...never mind...I'm not sharing it. Anyway, it's a 2 1/2 foot gap, left to right.
Now, me being the lazy slob that I am, stuff just got STUFFED into that open spot. Extra bottle of motor oil? eh, toss it right there in the middle. Empty cigarette packs? Toss it right there, I'll get them later (which I did finally and is what this entry is leading into). I just don't clean my car out...ever.
The problem came during winter, that I'd wear a hoodie outside and take it off in the car, and leave it in the middle console area. Then wear another one out next time, and do the same.
To the point, all my hoodies were in the car (A LOT of them, we're not talking 4 or 5 here, I live in hoodies in the winter) and made this nice comfy heap in the middle. I kinda liked that. Heck, I wasn't using them right now, it's too hot. And I can kinda rest my arm on it and not have some gaping void trying to suck me down into the "Floor Nether" area.
So I ended up at a car wash the other night for 30 minutes (FO know why) but the quick run down effort is that I kinda pulled a movie move there where the one person does the implausible and goes somewhere and tells the person they're madly in love with to meet them there in X amount of time, so that they can hug and kiss and blah blah blah and the credits roll.
But it totally didn't even work out, so I've switched from a whole "Serendipity" attitude towards life, and right into "Fight Club" about things.
Well, while I was waiting (for my heart to get ripped out and stomped into the pavement) I had a moment of "I'm sitting at a carwash...and this car is filthy...might as well throw some of the trash away!"
Upon my cleaning, I discovered that HOLY SHIT my car is FILTHY!!! I mean, there used to be kids in it all the time, so there was the typical coke spilled everywhere, syrup puddles and shit. Stuff I just never took care of (because I really don't care, plus if ants are spending their lives getting in my car and dying from heat, that's better than them getting my house again...I know...I'm a weirdo...it's ok.). But now there was cigarette cellophanes stuck in the syrup, half shut (once) half full Mtn Dew bottles that leaked and made stalagmites in the floor.
And I saw all this carnage and destruction and went "uuughh...I really don't want to clean that up"
So I didn't (I'll get to it eventually...plus...it's for the ants...really).
Instead I picked up all the trash in the floor boards and seat (4 walmart bags worth...but even though that sounds a lot...most of it was mtn dew bottles, and you can't really get that many crammed into a bag compared to normal paper trash.)
And then saw the console. Ew I bet there was a lot of trash in there! I started grabbing the hoodies and sitting them in the back (I have no room from front seats to the back, bunch of wood, an hope chest and a headboard are back there). Just tossing hoodie after hoodie on this already monster pile of fuckery in the back.
JACKPOT! more mtn dew bottles, a quart of oil (OH THAT'S WHERE IT WENT!!!), a half full jug of anti-freeze *glares at new jug of antifreeze in the floor board....DAMMIT*, Trash trash trash galore.
In fact, let me break it down. There's open little notches on either side of my steering column to sit stuff in. On the right, I always put my MP3 player, my cigarettes and my cellphone, on top of each other...so you can gauge the size. Not very big, but perfectly convenient and out of my pockets and in reach while driving.
The left one, I got into the habit of tossing Mtn Dew lids in, so I could grab it out when I got out of the car without losing my lid. the problem is, I usually finished the drinks and sat the empty bottle down and left the lids
The lids, eventually started falling off into the floor board. So, HAHAH here we go, get ready to go "THE FUCK, TEFFY?!" Imagine a two handed scoop, like you're scooping up snow to make a snow ball with...ok...got it?
To get all the caps out of that notch and floor board, it took 5 trips, double handed scoop of mtn dew lids.
I know, I'm a disgusting animal! In fact I'm staring at 5 empty cigarette packs right now all chillin in a tower...I should throw those away.
I did...it's ok now.
The entiiiiire point of all this babbling is to just simply tell a short tale of what happened to me a little bit ago as I got into my car.
(and you all go "oh god, really?" Yes...and I assure you, all this explanation is leading to something so anticlimactic)
I go to get into the car, jump in and lean to the right (as usual so I can get my keys out of my left pocket) and almost literally launch myself into the floor.
Why? Because there was no giant pile of hoodies there to grab me as usual and I didn't realize I had become accustomed to it holding up EVERY SHRED OF MY HURTLING BODY WEIGHT as I swing over to get keys out!
Now that's not the worst part. I managed to stop the fall (with my face...into the gear shifter...epic nosebleed FTW...speaking of, I need to throw that tissue away as well...Ok...done), and sat up in a absolute state of bewilderment.
And stared at this empty 2 1/2 foot gap, for at least 30 seconds with a genuine "wtf??" look on my face. Looked by my steering column, and there was my MP3 player, back to the gaping hole, to the passenger seat, laptop, back to the gaping hole, to the empty floorboard, bigger "WTF??" face, and bellowed out "SOMEONE STOLE MY HOODIES?!?!??!!!"
Yes, in that moment my brain thought it was completely rational to let me know that somebody had broken into my car, and skipped not only over a laptop and an MP3 player but specifically targeted my hoodies for theft.
I never think to look in the back behind my or the passenger seats, because all that is there is wood and a hope chest and a bed frame.
SO I LITERALLY sat there in my car...in shock...trying to think where the hoodies were. Got out, went to the passenger door, and opened it quickly and looked in the empty floor, and up under the seat...as if 30+ hoodies could accidentally scoot up under there or something.
Stood up, and saw a yellow reflection in the passenger window, and looked behind the passenger seat and saw a little yellow sleeve poking out, OOOOHHH there's my hoodies!!!
*moment of pause*
*remembers the car wash*
*realizes you think someone breaks into your car with the sole purpose of stealing only hoodies*
*FACEPALM!*
*realizes your facepalm has now splattered blood from your bleeding nose everywhere*
*RGUUUGGHHH*
30 minutes, a change of clothes, and practically WILLING a gushing nose to stop bleeding, I made it to the gas station (and it only takes 3 minutes to get there) only to realize when I changed my bloody clothes...I forgot my wallet.
WHY IS THERE NO GOD!!!
hahaha
So yeah, that was my little misadventure today...with way too much explanation before hand.
Suck on it, you loved it anyway.
And now, after 4 days of no eating, I think I shall have a taquito. I'm still not very hungry but my body's going "dude...maybe you should eat?"
So I'm gonna do that.
